Last night, I dreamed I spoke to my Mom.
I was telling her about everything that has happened since she died. In my dream, we even phrased things that way.
It's still hard to accept that she's gone.
I think that only her body has died. My dream last night was far too real to not constitute true communication. I cannot help but think that she and I were actually having a conversation. She did not have ALS anymore, and looked young and happy. She must have had her audience with the Pope, spent time with her father, and her parakeet, just like she wanted.
It was so hard to lose her. Harder still to watch her lose control of her body as it became a prison for her spirit and her soul. She so wanted to go, to be done with this life. But we so did not want to lose her.
I hated to, but told her, the last time I saw her, that it was alright to stop fighting and to go with God. She seemed relieved, in a way.
Unfortunately, that visit was not the smoothest one. She had asked me to stay for a longer time than usual. Which I did. But visits are probably best left short and sweet. Longer visits allow people to get on each others' nerves far too much!!
About a week before she died, I sent her an email, apologizing for the stresses of our last visit, and for not being the greatest daughter in the world. I think that I did alright in recent years, but I haven't always been the best daughter that I could have been. For the past few years, I truly did the best that I could. I usually did the best that I could the rest of the time, but sometimes pride or stubbornness, or depression, or something, would intervene in my best intentions!
My mother responded with the most beautiful email:
Dearest Nana,
I am sooo proud of you! Congratulations on 1/ your new degree 2/ your new and beautiful car and 3/ your new and beautiful job! How could you say you're not the daughter I wanted you to be? You've beaten incredible odds to accomplish alot, both personally and professionally and it makes me very happy for you.
This will have to be short because I don't feel tip top today. Know that you ARE the daughter I've always known you could be and I love you very much.
Love always, MOMMA
That was the last email I ever got from my Mom.
So much has changed since then. And yet, I am still the same, mostly.
I still have the degree, anyway!!
Unfortunately (or was that fortunately?!) I was laid off from my job. And I am selling the car to someone who needs it more. My mother wanted one of us to have her beautiful Passat. The twins didn't need it, so I took it. But I absolutely hate to drive automatics. I truly prefer sticks, 5-speeds, manual transmissions, whatever you want to call them!! And, no, I do not have that backwards! I learned to drive in France. There, the only people who really drive automatics are those whose licenses are restricted to automatics. Virtually everybody drives a stick. So that is what I am most comfortable with, and what I prefer. Then, after my mother passed away, I couldn't even get into her car without breaking down. So I sold it to the daughter of a friend of mine. She lost her little boy a few years ago, so I like to think that he is with my Mom, and that she thinks I did the right thing. Because this poor family has had financial trouble, after (and because of) losing their boy, I am accepting payments. The new owner brought the car by my house last month to make her payment. They are taking fabulous care of "Snow White," as my mother called her car, and the car actually looked happy! I was so glad!!
