Ma Vie d'Autrefois, Ou est-ce Encore la Même ?: January 2008

You Have to Do What You Can

I have to do right by people who have helped me.

I am not a bad person. My life hasn't been easy. My world hasn't been bright. But there have been good things and good people. I don't forget my debts. And I do my best to do what is right. Always. Even if it doesn't seem like it. I really am trying. I am working on making things right.

My Glasses

My Eyes

The New Me - Part 1

Okay, sorry. I am still WAAAAAY too fat.
But I am trying.

Self Portrait.

Pursing my lips.

A tired smile.

Doing Something for ME

I got my hair cut today. Very cut. As in from waist-length to above-the-shoulders. I also got it highlighted. I am tired and have a headache, though. I will post pictures tomorrow.

Fabrice and I left the house this morning and had lunch with Jeanne. Then, he took her to the attorney to deal with the paperwork following Marcel's passing, and I spent three hours at the salon. Afterwards, I went by Sephora for some makeup for me and perfume for Morgan - I got her a refill though, instead of a regular bottle. Accidentally. Jeanne was kind enough to buy it from me, and I am going to go back and get Morgie some in a regular bottle tomorrow or the next day.

Oh well.

Resolutions, 2008

1. Lose weight.
2. Go home.
3. Pay what I owe to the people I owe it to. All of it. All of them.
4. Find a new job wherever I wind up living.
5. Resolve what needs to be resolved.
6. Allow myself to love the people I love and to care for the people I care about.
7. Allow myself to be loved and cared for.
8. Live honestly.
9. Be open.
10. Write, draw, take pictures.
11. Be as unafraid as I can be of being who I am.

My friend, D, had a neat thingy hanging on the doorknob of his guest room. It said something like:

"Of all of the things in the world that you can be, be yourself."

I like that sentiment!

Fabrice's Future

Fabrice is joining the US Army. This is because:

1. I don't want to live in France.
2. Neither does he.
3. He wants to continue to be a cop.
4. You generally need to be a citizen and to speak English to be a cop in the US.
5. If you join the US military as a permanent resident alien (which he is now, with the Green Card), your citizenship request can be processed earlier - as in after a year of active duty, and certain requirements are expedited.
6. The Army is the only branch of the service that will take someone who is 39 - they'll allow people to enlist up to age 42.
7. The military will provide him with English training.
8. After the minimum 3-year stint, he will have citizenship, will be able to speak English, and will, therefore be eligible to integrate a civilian or US Federal police force, no problem.

He got his green card on January 14. I applied for it on November 30. The darn things usually take years. His was in-hand in six weeks. Even the embassy was shocked at how fast it went! He has to emigrate within six months.

Thursday, he is going to NY for four days. They don't issue a SSN until you enter and go through the official immigration process (besdies everything I had to do to get him the Green Card in the first place!), and he can't work until he has his SSN. So he is entering the US and then coming back here. He works until February 25. Then, they owe him four months' vacation, so we'll probably leave on the 28 or 29.

I, for one, can't wait. In the words of that great philosopher, Kris Kristofferson, "...I won' be leavin' no more quicker than I can, 'cause I've enjoyed about as much of this as I can stand."

We've been married ten months now. It's been hard. Getting used to one another was difficult enough, especially given the fact that we met in person the night before the wedding, and all. But the process has been a hell of a lot more difficult than I ever would have though. And, to top it all off, among other things, I apparently suffer from major Seasonal Affective Disorder, and this winter, this long dark northern European winter is totally throwing me for a loop. It's been better lately, but there was a point when the doctor couldn't think of anything more he could do to help me other than to send me away to someplace sunny!!! I guess I am not fit for living in this particular climate.

So, having been ill the past few months, the new marriage, the SAD, my not enjoying France nearly as much as I used to, being far from my kids for so long, and Fabrice's dissatisfaction with the problems the Federal Police face in France, have made it clear that the only way to keep the marriage and its inhabitants healthy and happy and forward facing is to leave here as soon as is feasible.

His knees are good to go - no lasting damage, except a scar. He's gone through a bunch of tests here, both for the green card and to assure himself he is in good health before enlisting. No evident problems - all tests came back clear.

Can you think of any better game plan?? Seriously, if you can, I would love to hear it!!!!

I Said, "I Won' Be Leavin' No More Quicker Than I can"

I have some stories to tell. And I will. Here is a brief overview of the stories to come. It is also the list of reasons and background for recent decisions I have made:

1. Throughout the 1980s and 1990s, I suffered from Endometriosis, Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, and various assorted complications and problems.

2. In 1986, I was pregnant with my first child, and, because of pre-term labor, wound up in the hospital at 4-months, to have a cerclage put in. While I was in the hospital, my paternal grandmother passed away. Nobody told me. A month later, the baby's father dumped my sorry butt, dropping me off at the local train station with $100. The baby wound up being born two weeks late. He is now 21.

3. Raising an ADHD, ODD, excitable, wild child as a single mother was tough!

4. In 1989, my friend, Anna had a roommate who I couldn't stand the sight of. In 1990, I met the first true love of my life. In 1992, I married Anna's roommate. In 1993, he broke up with me and went home to his Mommy and Daddy. In 1994, I gave birth, almost 7 weeks early, to his daughter. Don't ask me whatever possessed me to marry, much less mate with the man. First impressions exist for a reason. I couldn't stand him when I first met him. Now, 19 years later, I still can't stand him!

5. In 1994, I had toxemia, full blown eclampsia, convulsions, left-side paralysis, a massive hemmorhage, a baby, and a blood transfusion. Eight weeks later, I had my tubes tied. Two out of two fathers left when I was pregnant, I didn't want to take that risk again, ever.

6. In 1996, I started seeing S. He was a good friend. He stuck by me through illness and many hospitalizations. He took care of my daughter when I couldn't and her father wouldn't. But he wasn't right for me.

7. In 1999, I was treated for the Endometriosis and PCOS with birth control pills. The pill caused me to get DVT - Deep Vein Thrombosis - my left leg was filled with clots, from ankle to groin.

8. In 2000, I had reconstructive bladder surgery. That was a majorly traumatic event. Helpful, yes; but traumatic nonetheless.

9. In 2000, I had a botched hernia repair. For a while I could not walk. For a longer while, I limped.

9. On April 15, 2001, I had a total hysterectomy and bi-lateral salpingo-oophorectomy. The endometriosis and PCOS were finally "cured!"

10. In early February, 2002, I had the botched hernia repair repaired. I went in to the surgical center limping, and left a few hours later walking normally.

11. In May, 2002, I moved back to CA.

12. In May, 2005, I received my second Master's degree.

13. On July 30, 2005, my mother passed away.

14. In July, 2006, I met the man of my dreams. I have never, ever, experienced love at first sight. He and I are friends. I doubt he has even the faintest idea of my affection. Oh well. That's okay.

But, if my life were a movie, I'd be with him.

Not that I don't love my husband. I do. And I care about him. But it isn't the same. I'm sorry. It's just not quite the same. I will not leave my husband. I like him. I love him. And I wasn't of the same caliber as the man of my dreams. No matter. You get what you pay for, right?

15. On March 15, 2007, I met Fabrice in person. We had met online in November, 2006. On March 16, 2007, I married him.

16. On May 15, 2007, I came back to France for a two week vacation.

17. Due to circumstances beyond my control, my former employer screwed up my pay, leaving me stranded without the money to live off of until my next paycheck, in France. SO I stayed here. With my husband.

18. Throughout the late summer, fall, and winter, 2007, I was sick. Again. Although it was neither endo nor PCOS this time around, the pain and anguish and despair of illness were not any easier. And, what with not feeling well, constantly hurting, and the sucky climate, my depression was back, in full swing. Except that, this time around, it's been more appropriately diagnosed as Seasonal Affective Disorder.

The other health issues are still to be dealt with. But they are not hopeless.

19. On November 30, 2007, I applied for an immigrant visa for Fabrice. He received it in the mail on January 14, 2008.

For these reasons, among others; to survive, healthwise; to feel better; etc.

I AM GOING HOME TO THE
UNITED STATES TO LIVE;
FOR GOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I will come back to France ~ on vacation, only!