Grieving

It's weird. Some days I want to immerse myself in work and avoid feeling my grief. Other days I get it by tidal waves of grief; I miss my Mom. I wish things had been different for her. I am glad we had the opportunities we did to work through the lingering issues of our past. For that I am thankful, and I don't think that would have ever happened had she not been sick or had other circumstances not occurred. I am glad she isn't suffering, and that she isn't trapped in her body anymore. But I wish I could call her. Or chat with her online. Or just know she was out there, somewhere, being her. Okay, not out there, but here, on earth, in Minnesota... Some days I want to hide. Never talk to anyone again. Never have to compromise to accommodate anybody else's stuff. Other times I am terrified of being alone with my loss, alone with my feelings. Some days I am mad, some sad, some fine. I never was one for amusement park rides, and this process is hardly amusing.

Excerpted/adapted from 9/27/68

They buried her [that] day [. . .]

I watched the people
And I tried to find her
In their eyes.

I loved them
For loving her.

I wanted to scream
"Mom!"
"Mom!"
"I'm sorry, Mom!"

I wanted to reach her.
But there was no way to her anymore. [. . .]

They buried her [that] day.
If I were to write a thousand books
In her name, what would it matter now?
No, I can't give her anything
Anymore.

~Merrit Malloy

Epitaph

When I die
Give what's left of me away
To children
And old men that wait to die.
And if you need to cry,
Cry for your brother
Walking the street beside you.
And when you need me,
Put your arms
Around anyone
And give them
What you need to give me.

I want to leave you something,
Something better
Than words
Or sounds.

Look for me
In the people I've known
Or loved,
And if you cannot give me away,
At least let me live on your eyes
And not in your mind.

You can love me most
By letting
Hands touch hands
By letting
Bodies touch bodies,
and by letting go
Of children
that need to be free.

Love doesn't die,
People do.
so, when all that's left of me
Is love,
Give me away.

I'll see you at home
In the earth.

~Merrit Malloy