Different time frames

I'd written him off; given up... I was through with him. Maybe I still am. I had decided not to listen to other people's rules, and to follow my heart. But, the heart can make for a lonely companion.

I was talking about it, briefly, to a friend, last night. She was asking about him. Someone else had asked why I didn't ask for his help, with my back causing me so much pain and Morgan being out of town and all. To both of them, I said that I hadn't heard from him in two weeks, and that I wasn't going to put myself out there like that, allowing myself to be vulnerable to his brilliance and passion any longer. It wasn't so much that I was angry. Anger is too strong a negative emotion for what I feel. But I am hurt, sad, disappointed... Almost more so in myself, for allowing myself to be so vulnerable, than in him, for not being ready, or not giving me what I believed I wanted from him.

Last night's conversation went something like this:
Her: ...but I thought you really liked this guy...
Me: I did. I do. But I can't do this...
Her: Well, if you like him, give it another shot. He just might not be on the same schedule as you are.
Me: But we haven't spoken for 2 weeks.
Her: But that's not that long, to some people.
Me: Maybe. He's coming by tomorrow to bring back my movies and pick up his book.
Her: Well invite him in for tea or something. Maybe you two can talk.
Me: I don't know. I miss talking to him, though.
Her: Danielle, you really liked this guy, and, for a while now. No big deal, just chat with him. What time's he coming?
Me: He said "late afternoon" in his email.
Her: Maybe you guys could go out for dinner.
Me: I don't know. If he isn't ready, he isn't ready. We had some great talks, though.
Her: Well, tell him, 'hey, dude, let's walk the dogs again.' You seem to miss your guys' walks and talks.
Me: I don't know.

And that's just it. I don't know. I don't know what he thinks or feels. I don't know if what is in his head and heart corresponds to what is in mine. I thought so, based upon what he said when he said nothing... But I've been wrong before.

The Toltec wisdom book, The Four Agreements, by Don Miguel Ruiz presents four fundamental "rules" that seem to be more like ultimate truths of human interaction and existence than like actual rules. They are:

Be impeccable with your word.
Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

I try to do that. I haven't always been successful, though. Hell, I haven't even always tried. But I do now. I have developed a clear understanding of right and wrong, and of what matters to me in life. I have chosen to allow these values to govern my life, and I try to act accordingly. Between the traumas of my childhood, losing people, having my mother pass away, etc., I have a kernel of understanding in my heart that guides me in my behaviors and decisions... I still make mistakes, but I try to be honest and forthright, and I try to do the right thing, whenever possible.

Don't take anything personally.
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality; their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.

That's a tough one for me. Intellectually, I know it is the case. But emotionally, I can be rather obtuse. I take so many things to heart, take life seriously, take things personally... I know I shouldn't. Or, at least, I shouldn't do it as much as I do. But I don't know how to be otherwise. I am learning. I'm not finished yet.... Fortunately, there is still time left on my life's clock...

Don't make assumptions.
Find the courage to ask questions ad to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness, and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

It makes so much sense when I read these words. Putting them into practice in my day-to-day life is a different story altogether!! But I do try. In this case, I have found the courage that lies hidden in my shyness and reserve, and I have told him how I feel and what I want ~ and really, I just want to try... In my relationship with him, I have met my responsibility by telling him how I feel. I still make assumptions, though, taking his actions, or lack thereof, personally. I must remember, other people's stuff is other people's stuff. His acts and deeds are based on his experience, and his wants and needs. Not only should I not take it personally and refrain from making any further assumptions, but I must also let it go, safe in the knowledge that he needs to do what is right for his mind, heart, and soul, based upon how his experience has shaped him, and on how he hopes to live the rest of his life.

Always do your best.
Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.

I seek to embody this agreement every day. My best does absolutely change from one day to the next. When I was sick, all those years, my best wasn't so great. But I didn't know how to do otherwise. Now I have a better best... I do try to do my best in my life and in my interactions with others, even in my work. Integrity is important to me.

So, what am I going to do when he comes by this afternoon/evening? I don't know. It won't be dramatic, though... I will just be me. While I am somewhat hurt and sad, I am not angry or bitter. I will ask him in, chat with him, and let him do what he needs to do in order to honor himself and his life, without losing my integrity, without taking what he does personally, without making assumptions, and while doing my best, throughout.

I cannot change him. I cannot change anybody. Nobody can change me, except me. I cannot make him happy. I cannot make anybody else happy, only me. I am responsible only for myself, my life, my decisions, my actions... my happiness.

His time frame may not be the same as mine. My time frame is only mine. I must let him go... let him do what he needs to do, while I do what I need to do. Whether he is my friend, or not, I have to be. I must be my own friend. I must live my life in accordance with my values, and let everybody else do so as well.....