I don't want to play anymore!!

Years ago, when I was young, and thinner, and prettier, I approached each new experience with a certain enthusiasm and lust for life. Including my relationships, no matter their nature. As I have grown up, or at least aged, I have become more and more reserved and shy, more and more hesitant, and have listened to more and more people's ideas about how to enter relationships, especially with men. There seems to be so much more to dating now than there ever was before. Then, I didn't know what the rules were, so I followed my heart. Now people tell me the rules, and I try to "follow them," but I never seem to get it right. It all seems like such a game, and I've never really been much for games.

I don't want to play anymore!! I want to take my proverbial marbles and go home. I just wish that home weren't so damnedably lonely.

I hate this.

This is not how I thought my life would be.

My parents were not parents. We raised ourselves. Right or wrong, that's what happened. We are all broken, all damaged goods. My parents' abuses, especially those of my father, have had lasting, no, permanent effects on both of my sisters and me. It doesn't ever go away. I do my best to do right in this world, and to honor myself and others. I try to make informed, conscientious decisions, and to do "the right thing."

But I make my share of mistakes... I probably make somebody else's share, too.

I don't want to play games in my life. I don't want to play games in my relationships, any of them. I don't get it. I don't like not getting it.

I met a man. I was immediately attracted to him. He is handsome, ruggedly beautiful, brilliantly intelligent, and seemingly kind. I want to just "toss caution to the wind," explore the relationship's possibilities, refrain from overanalyzing things and questioning and second-guessing myself... Am I too fat? Do I talk too much? Does he think I am dumb? Or too smart? Too forward? Too shy? Too reserved? Too nurturing? Did I do something wrong? I must have! No, I can't think of anything...

What's wrong with me?

Actually, I kinda like me. I'm pretty smart, relatively well-educated, not hideously ugly, kind, compassionate - I have plenty to offer this world, plenty to offer a man, lots to bring to the table....

What in the hell does it matter? I just want to be me and to do what I want to do when I want to do it. I want to see him, and talk to him, learn from him, teach him...... I want to love him. Or, at least, I want to TRY to love him. And I want him to let me.

But it's scary, downright frightening. I think it scares him, too. When did I learn to be afraid of love to the point that I am afraid of even beginning new relationships? When did he? Why? I used to go all out in love, and let the chips fall where they may. It was glorious, exhilarating, life-altering, mind-blowing, passionate excitement.

But one friend tells me that the best thing to do is to give him his space, to let him work through his stuff. She says that it's difficult for men, that they're afraid of losing control and allowing themselves to feel. That makes some sense, but why does it have to be that way????!!!

I am forty years old, for corn's sake!! And he's 59! Life shouldn't be this hard!!! It's not like we're 16 and have our entire lives ahead of us. Why can't we just speak our minds, and our hearts, and live our lives without worrying? Love should never be this gut-wrenching. Life really is too short. I just don't get it. It's beyond my comprehension ~ I guess I am not nearly as smart as I thought I was!! A 40-year old dummy, afraid of her own shadow ~ when did I become so afraid of being hurt that I am terrified to try?

Another friend and I had an email conversation about this last night.

I had said:

Men are weird. I give up. ...

Here is what she said:

too bad [he]'s creating drama. the best advice i can
give is to back off (not that you're coming on too
strong). let him chase you. men need to feel like
they're cavemen. let him entice you by bringing home a
bison.

blah blah i have the day off tomorrow if you wanna bs.

To which I responded:

[He's] not creating drama so much as being a ... man, hiding away in his pool of testosterone, and waiting for that damn bison to walk by.... I'll back off even further, and let him cure that bovine before he brings it to me. I like jerky, anyway...

And then she said:

LOL. your comment about liking jerky was funny.

But all of that discussion, and all of this venting aren't changing anything, not one bit. I wish I could just talk to him. I wish he would let me in. He said he had been scared, then he said he was alright with whatever speed/direction this relationship takes, we spent a wonderful weekend mostly together, walked the dogs again, and then he disappears. No calls, no emails, no nothing, since Friday morning.

The first friend I mentioned above says that the fact that he is hiding means that it could go somewhere - that, if he didn't care, he would have no reason to hideid She also said that the hardest thing to do is nothing. She's right about that. Not doing or saying anything, not telling him what I am thinking and how I feel is driving me crazy.

I didn't want to drive him away. I wanted a chance to know him, to care about him, and to follow this road wherever it may lead, up and down, good and bad, I wanted to at least have the opportunity to TRY.

And I absolutely, positively DO NOT want to play anymore. Life isn't a game, unless games are your life. Games are not my life.

Who created fear? And why???????