Speaking My Mind
I have never been one for going after what I really want. In many things, I have spent a life governed by fear.
I vaguely remember a time when I wasn't afraid; it was probably 1968 or 1969. After the twins came, my insecurities became more and more internalized and twisted around in the anguish that resides in my heart and soul. It wasn't the twins' fault, just a temporal coincidence, but that's the way it is. Or was. That had significant influence in shaping the me I was to become, the me I struggle against every day, even now.
When I was a child and teenager, I would occasionally feel "brave" and rebel against my parents and their ways. Or not so much rebel, as try to get myself out of the situation. Over the years I was growing up, I learned to shut my mouth and keep my thoughts and feelings to myself. If I allowed myself to be vulnerable by sharing them with anybody, either my parents found out and punished me or something else wound up backfiring and I would end up worse off than I was before.
After leaving my parents' house, and, no, it was never a home, I become quite adept at hiding my feelings and thoughts, or, if not hiding them, at least not speaking them aloud to anybody. Allowing myself the luxury of feeling safe in any environment was unthinkable. Making myself more vulnerable by interacting with other people and making myself and my emotions available to anyone was cause for hardship and hardship alone. Keeping quiet became far preferable than the risks involved in speaking my mind, especially when I was not mature or intelligent enough to speak my mind in a nonconfrontational manner.
Over time, that has become a part of my unconscious coping skill set. Instead of speaking my mind, I have a tendency to remove myself from the situation that is causing me strife. Sometime I just stop talking, change the subject or leave the room. Other times, I choose to let the friendship itself go, in its entirety. Still others, I will move to another state, or another county, on another continent... but only because I haven't known how to move off the planet.
Along the way, I forgot how to speak my mind!
On Sunday, I went to pick Morgan up at the airport. There was a woman there with a t-shirt that seemed to have me in mind as its target audience. The t-shirt said,
Even when my voice shakes.
I vaguely remember a time when I wasn't afraid; it was probably 1968 or 1969. After the twins came, my insecurities became more and more internalized and twisted around in the anguish that resides in my heart and soul. It wasn't the twins' fault, just a temporal coincidence, but that's the way it is. Or was. That had significant influence in shaping the me I was to become, the me I struggle against every day, even now.
When I was a child and teenager, I would occasionally feel "brave" and rebel against my parents and their ways. Or not so much rebel, as try to get myself out of the situation. Over the years I was growing up, I learned to shut my mouth and keep my thoughts and feelings to myself. If I allowed myself to be vulnerable by sharing them with anybody, either my parents found out and punished me or something else wound up backfiring and I would end up worse off than I was before.
After leaving my parents' house, and, no, it was never a home, I become quite adept at hiding my feelings and thoughts, or, if not hiding them, at least not speaking them aloud to anybody. Allowing myself the luxury of feeling safe in any environment was unthinkable. Making myself more vulnerable by interacting with other people and making myself and my emotions available to anyone was cause for hardship and hardship alone. Keeping quiet became far preferable than the risks involved in speaking my mind, especially when I was not mature or intelligent enough to speak my mind in a nonconfrontational manner.
Over time, that has become a part of my unconscious coping skill set. Instead of speaking my mind, I have a tendency to remove myself from the situation that is causing me strife. Sometime I just stop talking, change the subject or leave the room. Other times, I choose to let the friendship itself go, in its entirety. Still others, I will move to another state, or another county, on another continent... but only because I haven't known how to move off the planet.
Along the way, I forgot how to speak my mind!
On Sunday, I went to pick Morgan up at the airport. There was a woman there with a t-shirt that seemed to have me in mind as its target audience. The t-shirt said,
SPEAK YOUR MINDI think that I can do that now. Maybe not always, or loudly, or even aloud at all. If nothing else, I will do my best to NOT keep quiet, but to speak my mind when I have something important to say, something of value to add, or feelings that can only be honored by being shared... spoken... acknowledged...
EVEN IF YOUR VOICE SHAKES
Even when my voice shakes.
posted by Nana @ 14:58
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]
<< Home