A Daughter's Safety is Tantamount

I hope that someone can understand the extent of my horror and fear for my little girl, not to mention my hurt, at what she has told me, *****, my mother, and people at her school, about what **** has done to her. What she said, and what he himself has said to me, and done, starting the day he and ***** went to ********, when ****** was 20 days old, are extremely serious problems. I am sure that, not only would **** never be willing to admit what has happened, given the severity of what I have been told, and the severity of the consequences of such actions and behaviors; and given the amount of shame and guilt that appear to govern his life, as they should, based on what I have been told; but that he would also go to extremes to hide and cover up what happened, etc.

I am shaking just writing this, as this has been so extraordinarily painful and upsetting for me.

I am sure that the other members of her family all look forward to spending time with ******. Whether **** does or not is beyond my comprehension. Every moment I even think about him seeing her and about his being alone with her is heartrendingly difficult for me. I have never tried to deny her a relationship with him, but I am angry and hurt by what she told us he has done and by my fears of such things happening again.

I don't want to go into the details of what ****** has said happened like this. So I will just say that the types of abuse that have taken place, as far as what she has told people, include emotional and psychological abuse and manipulation, and stem from the more serious actions and behaviors of sexual abuse. Between what ****** has told me and other people, certain behaviors she has displayed, and what **** has said to me, himself, added to his sexually deviant behaviors in CA and when we were married, I am terrified and horrified at the thought of her ever being alone with him.
This is why I insisted that ****** not stay at ****'s home for two years of the time we lived in MN. That was based on *** ********'s suggestions, trying to protect ******, while still allowing her a loving, nurturing relationship with her father’s family.

I do not believe that he is necessarily continuing the things that he did, but I don't know. ****** never says anything like that anymore, not since he has been married, and not even for most of the time we have lived here in CA. But that is also the rationale for my not sending her back to WI from CA for a while when we first moved here. That is why I fight every visit, even though I know that she loves all of them. That is why I am so hurt and upset by all of the other things **** fails to do, like pay child support or get a job that would allow him to pay the paltry $254 a month that he is supposed to pay, not to mention the almost $11,000 that he still owes me.

I don't "love” *********, but ****** does, and I respect ********* as a person. I feel threatened by ****'s trying to make ********* ******'s "mother," but that, too, is based on my fears for ******, and what he has done, and not on anything to really do with *********.

I do not care for *******, mostly because ****** doesn't think that ******* likes her. But, that is not relevant to her visits with the rest of the family, and so I do not say anything. But, even the fact that ***** did not mention *******'s children in the list of ******'s cousins who look forward to seeing her was hurtful. However, although I do not like it, I would not allow that to prevent ****** from maintaining a relationship with her family.

It does not matter that ****** has not spoken of anything during recent visits. The fact that she started cutting herself just before visiting him, and her behavior whenever she comes back from spending time with him, cause me ongoing concern. I do not necessarily think that he is actively sexually abusive toward her at this time. I want to believe that ****** would not let such a thing occur now that she is older, and that she would tell me, or her grandparents, or even *********, who ****** believes genuinely cares for her, if it did. However, that doesn't make it any better. I still live in abject fear of what he has done, what he has said, and what could happen, especially now that she is developing and maturing physically.

In addition, the seriousness of what she did say happened, even if she has repressed it, and the seriousness of what he has said to me, her mother, are to the extent that it would not be reasonable of me to act or even feel any different than I do.

I honestly believe that **** should be in prison for what has happened, or at least be required to undergo extensive psychiatric treatment. I wish to God that I had never allowed ****** to ever return to Wisconsin to visit, but I kept trying to make things better. I may have not taken the right approach, I may have been absolutely wrong in many things, but I am doing my damnedest to raise ****** right, and to protect her from undue damage, even from ****.

I have spoken to attorneys, guidance counselors at ******'s schools (when she has acted up or out, or when something else has happened that seems to trigger difficulties for her), therapists, etc. I don't know how else to protect her without taking legal action, so I just continue doing what I have been and praying that it works.

But, when ****** starts having trouble, like now, then I become extremely concerned. The past few days she has been overly sensitive, constantly seeking reassurance, repeatedly telling me that she loves me and making sure that she is loved, apologizing for minor things, crying, talking back, having bursts of anger for reasons that I do not understand, saying that she is afraid that her brother doesn't like her or thinks that she is dumb, that ******* doesn't like her, that she might have done something wrong the last time she was there, which might have made ********* mad, etc., etc., etc.

As her mother, I want to protect her. I want to make all of this and all of what happened to cause this, go away. I want regular child support, and not to be owed $11,000. I want a normal, regular relationship between ****** and her father's family. I want her to have a normal, safe, nurturing relationship with her father, but I do not believe that is possible. I can only do my best, based on the information that I have, to raise her right, take care of her, and protect her.

If it were up to me, ****** would never be in a room alone with ****, ever again. If it were up to me, if she visits Wisconsin, she would never stay in his home. If it were up to me, any and all contact between them would be supervised by authorized and educated child protection officers.
But not everything is up to me. I can only control myself, and I am only responsible for myself. One of my jobs is to take care of ******, and that is what I am trying to do.