Yesterday ~ My Mother
I miss my mother. Since we had been able to work through our ‘stuff’ from the past, I would have liked to have been able to have a different relationship with her. Now, I only have memories, and a good 35 or so years’ worth of those memories are not so good. I wish that we had had more good time together. Not having had that time is another thing that I regret, although I understand that there was nothing that I could have done differently. That we had the time that we did, and the talks, the understanding, the touching of one another’s soul, were more than a lot of people I ever have. It is more than I will ever have with my father, and more than I will have with my sister, *******. But I still miss my Mom. I miss having a Mom.
Losing my mother has significantly contributed to my fear of getting close to anybody else. I do not want to let anyone in, only to lose them. Or, I didn’t. Now, I may be willing to do so, if the right one(s) came along... whether as friends or lovers, old or young, male or female... (Not all of the combinations of those characteristics would be possible. For me, female lovers aren't really my thing. That said, I think my message is clear. Life, and, therefore, love, is not determined by the nature of the friendship, by age, or by gender. If life is love, then all love is, by definition, life.
The combination of losing her and meeting you is what drove me to want to enjoy my moments with you, to nurture and thrive in our friendship, and to let whatever happens, happen, in its own time, without being forced in one direction or another, and without being artificially constrained. This is why I find myself listening to that Aerosmith song over and over. In my life, and in my friendship with you, in particular, I don’t wanna miss a thing.
Knowing my mother hurt me.
Having her for a mother hurt me.
Working through the issues of our past hurt me.
Losing my mother hurt me more than almost anything else, ever. It’s painfully real and irrevocable. And it doesn’t ever stop.
It is reflecting on that loss, on loss, in general, and on the story of my life, that is, what has made me, me, that I wrote the poem, I Was Wrong.
Losing my mother has significantly contributed to my fear of getting close to anybody else. I do not want to let anyone in, only to lose them. Or, I didn’t. Now, I may be willing to do so, if the right one(s) came along... whether as friends or lovers, old or young, male or female... (Not all of the combinations of those characteristics would be possible. For me, female lovers aren't really my thing. That said, I think my message is clear. Life, and, therefore, love, is not determined by the nature of the friendship, by age, or by gender. If life is love, then all love is, by definition, life.
The combination of losing her and meeting you is what drove me to want to enjoy my moments with you, to nurture and thrive in our friendship, and to let whatever happens, happen, in its own time, without being forced in one direction or another, and without being artificially constrained. This is why I find myself listening to that Aerosmith song over and over. In my life, and in my friendship with you, in particular, I don’t wanna miss a thing.
Knowing my mother hurt me.
Having her for a mother hurt me.
Working through the issues of our past hurt me.
Losing my mother hurt me more than almost anything else, ever. It’s painfully real and irrevocable. And it doesn’t ever stop.
It is reflecting on that loss, on loss, in general, and on the story of my life, that is, what has made me, me, that I wrote the poem, I Was Wrong.
posted by Nana @ 13:28
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