Sadness - this isn't a poem, just random thoughts...

I am sad today.
And lonely.
Loneliness has nothing to do with being alone. I like being alone. Not all of the time. But, often.
Loneliness has everything to do with loss - with sadness and loss.
I am sad today. It's been almost a year since she died. How can I say that? It seems so final. What do I do with the rest of me?! With the rest of my love? With the rest of my being a daughter?ANd needing a mother. And wanting to talk. I did not want the conversation to end.
It sometimes seems that life itself is nothing more than a series of conversations, one damn thing after another, yet conceived in love, they are, those conversations...
So now what do I do?
I don't know.

I am sad today.
And lonely.
I miss the people I've loved, the people I still love.
Alive and dead, near and far, I miss them all.
It was my niece's birthday yesterday.
Yet, Minnesota seems so very far away.
I do not want to go back there,
again,
anymore.
But I miss my sisters.
I miss my nieces.
I miss certain friends.
I want to be a part of something again.
But that life was not healthy,
or happy.
I am healthier,
and happier,
here.

But I can't run away from me.
I can't forget
or forgive
the mistakes I made
and the things I neglected to do.

I try harder now,
to do the right thing,
to be true to my true self,
not betraying what I value,
or who I am.

But in doing that,
I isolate myself
for fear
always for fear.

I am sad today.
And lonely.
And I don't know how to fix it
without compromising what really matters.

More and more, with each day that passes,
with each friend that passes,
with each punishment,
with every smile,
more and more I realize that,
like so many have said before,
even the Beatles,
when it comes to the measure of our lives,
all we have is love,
and kindness.

Love and kindness are all that matters.

Love each other, and be kind to one another.

And, first and foremost, and above all else, love yourself, and be kind to you. When it comes down to it, you are the only person that you can count on, and the only person you can control. So love and care for yourself, and through that love and kindness you will find so much more love and kindness to pass on to the people who matter.

Even when you're sad.
And lonely.

But, that's just my opinion, I could be wrong.