I am sick and tired of people who lie.

Vulnerability can no longer be allowed.
That is final.

Un homme de rêve

Il y a deux ans j’ai rencontré un homme en ligne. On a beaucoup écrit. On s’est beaucoup parlé. Il était bien gentil. MAIS à l’époque, ma mère était entrain de mourir. Je ne pouvais pas vraiment faire attention à une nouvelle relation. Alors, un jour il m’a écris pour me dire que ce n’était pas le bon moment avec ma mère, qu'il allait me prendre du temps pour faire le deuil, et que insha Allah, on se rencontrerait plus tard dans la vie.

Il y a quelques semaines, ont a commencé à correspondre de retour…

Il y a une belle historie à raconter. Mais il est vendredi soir et je suis épuisé. Je raconterai ma belle histoire ce week-end.

Mais on moins je peux vous dire que cette fois-ci j’ai rencontré cet homme merveilleux, gentil et intelligent. Je suis bien contente d’avoir prise ma timidité à deux mains, d’avoir fait face à ma peur, et de l’avoir rencontrer. Il est vraiment très bien, cet homme…

Suddenly I See ~ KT Tunstall

This is my new "theme song." http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=myWZDnpb1UAhtml
I am lucky. At least for now, it's true, "suddenly I see, this is what I want to be." What a feeling!

Her face is a map of the world
Is a map of the world
You can see she's a beautiful girl
She's a beautiful girl
And everything around her is a silver pool of light
The people who surround her feel the benefit of it
It makes you calm
She holds you captivated in her palm

Suddenly I see
This is what I wanna be
Suddenly I see
Why the hell it means so much to me
Suddenly I see
This is what I wanna be
Suddenly I see
Why the hell it means so much to me

I feel like walking the world
Like walking the world
You can hear she's a beautiful girl
She's a beautiful girl
She fills up every corner like she's born in black and white
Makes you feel warmer when you're trying to remember
What you heard
She likes to leave you hanging on her word

Suddenly I see
This is what I wanna be
Suddenly I see
Why the hell it means so much to me
Suddenly I see
This is what I wanna be
Suddenly I see
Why the hell it means so much to me

And she's taller than most
And she's looking at me
I can see her eyes looking from a page in a magazine
Oh she makes me feel like I could be a tower
A big strong tower
She got the power to be
The power to give
The power to see

Suddenly I see
She got the power to be
The power to give
The power to see
Suddenly I see
She got the power to be
The power to give
The power to see
Suddenly I see
She got the power to be
The power to give
The power to see
Suddenly I see
She got the power to be
The power to give
The power to see

Suddenly I see
This is what I wanna be
Suddenly I see
Why the hell it means so much to me
Suddenly I see
This is what I wanna be
Suddenly I see
Why the hell it means so much to me
Suddenly I see
Why the hell it means so much to me
Suddenly I see
Why the hell it means so much to me

Stuff

I hurt my back pretty badly last week. I went to the doctor, and for emergency physical therapy, and am taking Percocet, to no avail. I can barely tolerate being conscious. Hopefully, someone will figure something out soon.

On a happier note, I started working with two more students over the weekend, and that was really nice. I do so enjoy helping people in whatever way I can.

On the way to work this morning, as I was passing a Fort Ord church, I saw a flock of turkeys. My dying camera was in the console of my car, so I pulled into the church, and managed to take a few shots before the camera noted a “system error,” and shut itself entirely off. I’ll upload them when I get home. I need to get a new camera. In the meantime, I have another one, it just consumes batteries like M & Ms, but it will have to do until I can buy the camera of my dreams.

Hopefully, the turkey pictures turned out, despite the camera’s apparent demise…. stay tuned….

Pictures of my Great Grandfather, George Lafayette Lovell

As an old man

My Aunt Judy, my mother, my Great Grandfather, my Aunt Frederica,
and my Aunt Elizabeth; 1954

My Aunt Judy, my Aunt Fredrica, my Great Grandfather,

my mother, and my Aunt Elizabeth; 1954

1954

1900

Pictures of my Great Grandmother, Grace Lovell Schoonover

In the picture above are my Grand Aunt Catharine, my Grand Uncle Don, my Great Grandmother, Grace, and my Grandfather, Lawrence.

This picture was taken in approximately 1909.

The two pictures that follow are of my Great Grandmother, Grace Lovell Schoonover, in about 1920, not all that long before she passed away.

This picture of my great grandmother was taken in 1900.

This last picture is one I bought from a woman in Michigan, who found it at an antique store. This picture was taken of my Great Grandmother, Grace, in 1897.

Don Miguel Ruiz' Four Agreements

The psychiatrist I’ve been seeing has suggested I read a couple of different books. One of them is The Four Agreements, by Don Miguel Ruiz. I already had read that one. The book purports to be “a practical guide to personal freedom,” and puts forth some simple, almost obvious “agreements” that are so basic that most of us live our entire lives without observing them, through ignorance, not objection. I have been trying to begin to keep them in mind when making decisions about what I say and do. It isn’t always easy, but it is fairly simple and straightforward.

The agreements are:

Be impeccable with your word
Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean, Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

Don’t take anything personally
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are
immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.

Don’t make assumptions
Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness, and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

Always do your best
Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstances, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.

I think I am going to write to this guy and ask for permission to translate his book into French.

My Dead Celebrity Soulmates

A few weeks ago, I took an online dead celebrity soulmate test from Biography.com. It was a fun and interesting little question and answer session à la Match, only the matches you get are dead celebrities.

My resultant soulmates were: Rudolph Valentino, Edgar Allan Poe, and Vincent van Gogh. Quite the interesting insights into my psyche, I must say!! Here is what their "profiles had to say:

Rudolph Valentino:

My most humbling moment...Being called effeminate by a cowardly anonymous
journalist in a Chicago newspaper. Porca miseria! I will show him manly! He should box with me and feel my manliness strike him across the face!

My greatest accomplishment...From nothing-- no fame, no money, no family in America when I moved to New York City at 18, no job-- I became the most famous sex symbol the movies had ever seen. And I did it without saying a word!

My ideal date would include...Only the best and most romantic activities. I love to
dance, so for me a date would not be perfect unless we were first able to join
together and move as one with the music of passion. I would then enjoy reading
to you some of my poetry while we listen to my recordings of romantic songs in
English and Spanish.

The celebrity I resemble most...He doesn't look like me, not so much, but I was the Brad Pitt of my day. I should have made "Troy!" It would have been much more believable.

If I could be anywhere at the moment...In my house, with a devoted wife, beautiful children, and my adoring dogs. To the public, I am perhaps a bit of a rascal, but all I really crave is domestic bliss.

The book on my bedside table...I find most books to be dull and lacking insight, which is why I write my own poems. In fact, I have published a book of poetry, "Day Dreams," which was a best seller. I like to read from it from time to time and think about romance... romance with you!

The things I can't live without...Your love! Your adoration! The beauty of one such as you bringing light to my life every day! Also, exclamation points and forceful hand gestures.

Fill in the blanks.

A woman at rest is sexy...a woman in motion is sexier.
In my home you will find...My beautiful dogs, an Irish Wolfhound named Centaur Pendragon, and a Doberman Pinscher named Kabar.

Edgar Allan Poe:

My most humbling moment...When my cousin and wife, the love of my life,
Virginia, succumbed to tuberculosis. Oh, Virginia! A day naught goes by but I
hear your sweet cry!

My greatest accomplishment...There was this bird bothering me for some time, but I finally decided to write about it and ended up making a decent amount of money.

My ideal date would include...After dinner slow and stately, as have been my dinners lately, we would sit and over coffee share our thoughts a little more. 'Til I'd note with fearful gasping, how your voice was gently rasping, rasping in a dusty tone, like Virginia long before. I'd have to see you... nevermore!

The celebrity I resemble most...Harry Dean Stanton

If I could be anywhere at the moment...At Virginia's graveside.

The book on my bedside table...A collection of works by Edward Gorey and the first couple of volumes of the Lemony Snicket series.

The things I can't live without...A novelty skull with a candle sticking out of the
top (I forget who gave it to me); my cameo of Virginia.

Fill in the blanks.

Madness is sexy...melancholia is sexier.
In my home you will find...An unusually new-looking brick wall, which you must never go near. A soft, moist spot on the floorboards, which you must keep covered by the rug at all times. A black cat, which you must feed regularly lest he torment you with the madness-inducing mews of hell. I call him Fluffertop.

Vincent van Gogh:

My most humbling moment...The whole time I was painting regularly, I was only able to sell one canvas.

My greatest accomplishment...One of my paintings, in today's dollars, is now worth over $116 million.

My ideal date would include...First off, I promise I will not cut off anything while we're together. We could check out some galleries if you're interested. We could also watch a movie (anything but "Reservoir Dogs").

The celebrity I resemble most...Jack Palance with red hair

If I could be anywhere at the moment...In Arles, Bouches-du-Rhone, France. It's the perfect place for an art colony, if only I could convince other artists.

The book on my bedside table..."The Man Who Mistook His Wife For A Hat," by Oliver Sacks

The things I can't live without...Brush, blade, canvas, my gauze-wrapped and dried up bit of ear

Fill in the blanks.

A young woman walking down the street is sexy...the burning essence of living color all around us is sexier.

In my home you will find...A lot of canvas, my paints, and some fresh sunflowers... sometimes they help cheer me up.

La panique chez moi - partie première

Puisque j’ai de telles difficultés avec la dépression, la nervosité, et les crises de panique, je vois un psychiatre, un thérapeute, et je lis de merveilleux livres à ces sujets.

Ma mère, et d’autres, me disait qu’étant bébé, je pleurais lorsqu’elle me touchait… l’infirmière psychiatrique qui m’aide avec les crises de panique m’expliquait la base neurologique pour de telles crises et pour la panique en générale. Elle m’a dit que le fait que j’aie des réactions si extrêmes, depuis la naissance, lui donne l’impression que cette tendance neurologique existe chez moi depuis la naissance, que se serait une prédisposition génétique dans ma cervelle. C’est assez logique. Cependant je pense que c’est plutôt une fonction de l’environnement dans laquelle j’ai été élevée, ou, pour mieux dire, dans laquelle je me suis élevée. Être réveillée au milieu de la nuit pour être battue donnerait à n’importe qui une tendance la panique, selon moi !! Les deux phénomènes, ensemble, iraient loin pour expliquer pourquoi mon ex-mari, quand il essayait à me réveiller avec des intentions amoureuses, serait confronté à une peur énorme au lieu de la réciprocité amoureuse.

Panic Attacks ~ Part I

Because I have such difficulties with depression, anxiety, and panic attacks, I have been seeing a psychiatrist, getting counseling, and reading some great books.

My mother, and others, used to tell me that, as a baby, I would cry when she touched me… the psychiatric nurse who has been helping me with the panic attacks was explaining the neurological basis for panic, in general, and panic disorders, in particular. She said that the fact that that kind of extreme reaction was present in me from birth would lead her to believe that the neurological tendency toward panic is a genetic predisposition in me. That makes some sense. Although I think it is more a function of the environment I grew up in. Being awakened in the middle of the night for a “beating,” might make even the calmest, bravest person in the world have a tendency toward panicking, if you ask me!! The two, combined, would explain why my ex-husband, when he would try to awaken me with amorous intentions, would be greeted by full-blown fear, rather than the reciprocation of his “loving” intentions.

Update on Sp

I spoke to C and Sp's father briefly yesterday afternoon. I was mistaken in my previous post. The little guy just started his chemo this past Tuesday. I was right about the rest, though. He'll have ten straight days of chemo, one day of rest and to get the anti-rejection drugs, and then his bone marrow transplant on the 17th, a week from yesterday.

Keep your thoughts and prayers on this little boy and his family ~ they certainly need them!

Northfield's First Snow of 2006

First Snow 2006 003.jpg
Originally uploaded by Northfield.org.

This is why I'm glad I live in California. This is the Post Office this morning, in the town I grew up in, Northfield, Minnesota.

It's pretty, yes, but cold and dark and gloomy!

More pictures of Northfield's first snow can be found on flickr at: http://flickr.com/photos/northfield_mn/sets/72157594369043614/

And the following article is from the Minneapolis Star Tribune:

Residents of southern Minnesota were digging out and authorities were discouraging driving after a storm Friday morning brought not only up to a foot of fresh snow but thunder and lightning, too.

Among the hardest hit towns were Albert Lea, Mantorville and Rochester, which each got about 12 inches of snow by early afternoon, according to the National Weather Service.
Other cities were also blanketed: Kiester and Kasson each with about 11 inches, Oronoco and Zumbro Falls with about 9 inches, Mankato and Lewisville with 8 inches and Owatonna with 7 inches, according to the weather service.

Roads were slick and snow covered across much of the region Friday morning, causing traffic problems. About 9 a.m., the Olmsted County sheriff's office in Rochester recommended that motorists just stay home.

By late afternoon, the storm had pushed east into Wisconsin. The weather service discouraged driving in southeastern Minnesota and southwestern Wisconsin on Friday night, saying it would be "treacherous" because of the snowfall.

The service was predicting partly cloudy skies on Saturday in southern Minnesota with little chance of more snow.

The Veteran's Day storm caused some problems for the Freeborn County Highway Department in Albert Lea, said Tim Stapleton, a department engineer.

"We were supposed to be closed for Veterans Day and the snow didn't start 'till 6 a.m., but we called the guys in and all the plows were out a half hour later covering it as fast as they can," he said.

Despite the snow, the Albert Lea schools ran on schedule. Classes were delayed in other towns across the southern third of the state and didn't open at all in Rochester, where there were reports of a rare phenomenon called thundersnow.

"It's still pretty early, its only Nov. 10, and it's pretty unlikely the accumulations we get now will stick around through the winter," said Byron Paulson of the National Weather Service in Chanhassen.

That was small consolation Friday morning in Mantorville, in Dodge County. With the storm still raging, a sheriff's dispatcher said even a four-wheel-drive vehicle was having trouble climbing the main street in town. The heavy snows passed south of the Twin Cities, which got only a light dusting.

Some People's Friends

I used to have a friend. Or so I believed. I thought that he and I were good, close, caring friends. Friends like friends are supposed to be. But, I was wrong. Not only did this person seek to manipulate me, and LIE to me about even the most unimportant things, but, to this day, well over a year after the end of our friendship, he persists in lying about me to anyone who will listen.

It is very sad. This man has good qualities. He deserves as much as anyone else to be happy.

But, he is one of those people who are so afraid of life that he refuses to live, so afraid of love that he refuses to love even himself, and, most of all, so afraid of the truth that he refuses it in its entirety. I caught him in so many lies, and not only lies, but saying such hurtful things about the people he supposedly cares about. He would say horrible, criminal things about his mother, his father, his sisters, his brother, his first ex-wife, his second ex-wife, his son-in-law, his supposed friends, young girls, his friend's children, his high school girlfriend, her friends, etc., etc., etc. Even after lying and spouting evil about these people, he would pretend to care about them, spend time with them, all claiming to be afraid that they would somehow retaliate against him if he didn't do what they wanted. He would not complain about food cooked incorrectly in a restaurant, claiming the cooks would spit in his food. He would not be alone with children, claiming their parents would accuse him of pedophilia. He went told me that his distortion of reality went so far that he wouldn't even be alone with his own daughter when she was a child, for fear of her mother accusing him of pedophilia. He would go out with a woman, and then lie about how much she wanted him, how much she was pursuing him, etc. I caught him in lie after lie after lie. He was passive aggressive to the point that he would take quiet action to outwardly hurt people, and then pay them off to get "back in their good graces."

The most hurtful of all, to me, was the constant lying and manipulating.

When my mother died, he was the first person I told. Instead of offering any sort of comfort, even an "I'm sorry," he wanted me to comfort him! What in the hell kind of a friend is that?!

I never dated this man. I never went anywhere with him, except to lunch, one day. I never wanted to date him. I was never physically attracted to him. Nonetheless, he persists in telling people that I wanted him, and he justifies his supposed unwillingness to be with me by lying about me and trying to convince people that I am insane. Now, I may have my issues, we all do. Hell, I may even be "insane," by his standards, anyway. But who cares?! Not only did I never, ever, want to be with this man, not only was he cruel to me and to my daughter, cruel to anyone who ever had the displeasure of knowing him, not only did he lie to me, and not only does he continue to lie about me to this day, but... it has been well over a year since I have even spoken to him and he persists in lying to people about me, instant messaging me, asking me questions about my life...

The man is the most toxic person I have ever, ever known. I want nothing to do with him, ever. I don't want to see him. I don't want to talk to him. I don't want him anywhere near my children. And I wish to high Heaven that he would leave me alone, not speak of me, and get on with his life. For good.