My Dead Celebrity Soulmates

A few weeks ago, I took an online dead celebrity soulmate test from Biography.com. It was a fun and interesting little question and answer session à la Match, only the matches you get are dead celebrities.

My resultant soulmates were: Rudolph Valentino, Edgar Allan Poe, and Vincent van Gogh. Quite the interesting insights into my psyche, I must say!! Here is what their "profiles had to say:

Rudolph Valentino:

My most humbling moment...Being called effeminate by a cowardly anonymous
journalist in a Chicago newspaper. Porca miseria! I will show him manly! He should box with me and feel my manliness strike him across the face!

My greatest accomplishment...From nothing-- no fame, no money, no family in America when I moved to New York City at 18, no job-- I became the most famous sex symbol the movies had ever seen. And I did it without saying a word!

My ideal date would include...Only the best and most romantic activities. I love to
dance, so for me a date would not be perfect unless we were first able to join
together and move as one with the music of passion. I would then enjoy reading
to you some of my poetry while we listen to my recordings of romantic songs in
English and Spanish.

The celebrity I resemble most...He doesn't look like me, not so much, but I was the Brad Pitt of my day. I should have made "Troy!" It would have been much more believable.

If I could be anywhere at the moment...In my house, with a devoted wife, beautiful children, and my adoring dogs. To the public, I am perhaps a bit of a rascal, but all I really crave is domestic bliss.

The book on my bedside table...I find most books to be dull and lacking insight, which is why I write my own poems. In fact, I have published a book of poetry, "Day Dreams," which was a best seller. I like to read from it from time to time and think about romance... romance with you!

The things I can't live without...Your love! Your adoration! The beauty of one such as you bringing light to my life every day! Also, exclamation points and forceful hand gestures.

Fill in the blanks.

A woman at rest is sexy...a woman in motion is sexier.
In my home you will find...My beautiful dogs, an Irish Wolfhound named Centaur Pendragon, and a Doberman Pinscher named Kabar.

Edgar Allan Poe:

My most humbling moment...When my cousin and wife, the love of my life,
Virginia, succumbed to tuberculosis. Oh, Virginia! A day naught goes by but I
hear your sweet cry!

My greatest accomplishment...There was this bird bothering me for some time, but I finally decided to write about it and ended up making a decent amount of money.

My ideal date would include...After dinner slow and stately, as have been my dinners lately, we would sit and over coffee share our thoughts a little more. 'Til I'd note with fearful gasping, how your voice was gently rasping, rasping in a dusty tone, like Virginia long before. I'd have to see you... nevermore!

The celebrity I resemble most...Harry Dean Stanton

If I could be anywhere at the moment...At Virginia's graveside.

The book on my bedside table...A collection of works by Edward Gorey and the first couple of volumes of the Lemony Snicket series.

The things I can't live without...A novelty skull with a candle sticking out of the
top (I forget who gave it to me); my cameo of Virginia.

Fill in the blanks.

Madness is sexy...melancholia is sexier.
In my home you will find...An unusually new-looking brick wall, which you must never go near. A soft, moist spot on the floorboards, which you must keep covered by the rug at all times. A black cat, which you must feed regularly lest he torment you with the madness-inducing mews of hell. I call him Fluffertop.

Vincent van Gogh:

My most humbling moment...The whole time I was painting regularly, I was only able to sell one canvas.

My greatest accomplishment...One of my paintings, in today's dollars, is now worth over $116 million.

My ideal date would include...First off, I promise I will not cut off anything while we're together. We could check out some galleries if you're interested. We could also watch a movie (anything but "Reservoir Dogs").

The celebrity I resemble most...Jack Palance with red hair

If I could be anywhere at the moment...In Arles, Bouches-du-Rhone, France. It's the perfect place for an art colony, if only I could convince other artists.

The book on my bedside table..."The Man Who Mistook His Wife For A Hat," by Oliver Sacks

The things I can't live without...Brush, blade, canvas, my gauze-wrapped and dried up bit of ear

Fill in the blanks.

A young woman walking down the street is sexy...the burning essence of living color all around us is sexier.

In my home you will find...A lot of canvas, my paints, and some fresh sunflowers... sometimes they help cheer me up.