Thought Patterns

You know, just writing about this, making concrete (albeit wet concrete as of now!) plans, and taking some proactive measures, even hypothetical ones, helps me feel less of a flood of despair.

The job I had at DLI isn't an option for me any longer. I am in the running for a different job there, but I am not holding my breath. First, the first one took me two years to get; and, second, it involves a lot of traveling, and with my daughter, and her pets, but the daughter in particular, that isn't so easy. Plus, for reasons I will touch on below (going into too much detail is too painful at the present time), I do not particularly want to live in Monterey. The potential job at DLI is not entirely out of the question. And, if they offer the job to me, I will probably take it. Any job is better than no job, after all. But that particular employment is rather fraught with complication, doncha' know.

I am, however, hoping for something similar.

I love California. I like the people. I like the outdoors. I like the ocean. California would be my first choice.

I love Monterey. One of the main issues I am having right now, and the primary motivator in my upcoming return to the States, is the girl child. Because F, and a friend of mine, have ex-wives from Hell, I decided to let girl child spend some time living with her father. Both F and D's ex-wives manipulate their daughters to punish their ex-husbands, and have severely damaged both their kids' relationships with their fathers and along with those relationships, any hope for a "normal" father-daughter future, and their kids' psyches and well-beings, themselves. Seeing the damage done to F and D, and imagining the damage done to their respective daughters, I did not want to inflict the same tragedy upon my daughter, or even upon her father, whom I neither esteem in the least, nor care for whatsoever.

I have difficulty forgetting when he said, the first time he ever met girl child, when she was 20 days old and weighed in at a whopping 3.9 pounds, "She has your lips, I wonder if she has both sets."

That comment, that sick, disgusting, perverted comment, defined my relationship with J for the rest of my life. Not only can I not forget what he said, but neither can I forgive him either.

There is more, but I can't go into it any deeper, now. I'm sorry.

Because girl child had grown up some, and given the input and support of her paternal grandparents, who are absolutely adorable, I decided to give J another chance and let girl child spend some time living there. I agreed to let her spend eighth grade in Wisconsin. After that, I said that we would see. In addition, but secondary to my desire to allow girl child a stable and bonding relationship with both sides of her family and both of her parents, I had just gotten married, F lives in France, and I didn't want to live 9,000 kilometers away from my husband. I came here on vacation, intending to return to Monterey and DLI, but my supervisor and administration screwed up my pay, so I received no income for weeks, and then influenced undue pressure on me who had nothing to live off of due to the income-less weeks, forcing me to resign. To top it all off, the friends I thought I had at my place of employment; two of them, in particular, C and G, proved to be fair-weather friends, at best.

We live and learn.

So I did what I did. I made a choice. All of our choices have consequences.

But my "grand gesture of maternal sacrifice and dedication" (that was intended to be read as a sarcastic, self-deprecating statement) was contingent upon my seeing my daughter, whom I had raised, ALONE, since birth, at least at Christmas, at my place of residence. Her father, despite me sending the money necessary, going to the Embassy in Paris to get things taken care of administratively, and doing everything in my power to facilitate that trip, has denied me my right to parent my child by refusing to get her a passport (and manipulating people and things in an attempt to place the blame for his ultimate refusal on me).

There is more, but I do not want to go into it any further, I am just giving you the basics, here.

So, I am coming back to the States and taking my daughter back. Against her will. Because I believe it is in her best interest to be with me and because I am her custodial parent and have rights.

It is against her will, I am sure, because she has never experienced a true familial environment with me. A struggling single parent with depression apparently has a helluva lot less to offer than an alcoholic father who rarely works, who is happily married, lives near his surgeon father and altruistic mother, and has a young baby in the house. I had to do everything myself. My parents were never parents. I had my own issues. I was a full-time student while working full-time. Money was tight for me, while his parents have purchased two houses for him. I struggled and he didn't pay child support. I was tired, while he was around and supported by a loving and stable family. But I did my best, I did it myself, and I owe nothing to anybody. Now I am different, and my life is different, and I have a better family life to offer my child.

But she doesn't want to hear it, and her angry, mentally-ill, manipulative father and naive Holly-go-Lightly, Pollyanna-esque stepmother have brainwashed her with half-truths and pure bullshit.

This is being explained to you so that you know why I think it best not to live on the Monterey Peninsula proper. Even Carmel Valley would be okay. In fact, it's one of my favorite places on earth. But not the Monterey Peninsula.

Because, in addition to the horrible teenage angst she is living now, in addition to being once-again victimized by her father, many of girl child's friends in Monterey were not on the right track. Drinking and having sex in seventh grade, deciding at age 11 where you are going to sleep each night, is not a proper upbringing. And I am concerned that those same friends would help girl child to run away to Wisconsin, or worse.

That said, if my attempt to take back my life and rekindle my relationship with my daughter fails, then I will let her go back to J. But that will not be a good thing. The only way that I can imagine such a thing is if I refrain from interacting with her at all for a significant period of time.

So, anyway, the Monterey Peninsula proper is out.

I am overwhelmed and sad. That is why I asked for help. I can work. I can pay my bills. I can do most anything. But the mere thought of trying to find a place to live, is too much for me given the current situation. I am only me, and I can't do everything. F isn't American, doesn't speak great English, doesn't have a Green Card, yet, and can only help me so much. There will be some money on his side of the equation, even though he won't be living in the States for a few months. But he won't be there for the day-to-day living stuff. He won't be there to help me find a place to go, or to help me, in general. And he won't be able to support me emotionally. In my desperation and downright despair and fear, I turned to my friends.

And, not only have some of them offered to help me, not only are they friends in all kinds of weather, but this interaction with them, and their friendship, are making me stronger. Thank you/them for that. France, in particular the French, the difficulties of a first year of marriage with a stubborn, tough, but essentially good man, who has nonetheless been hardened by life and by 20 years as a cop in the Paris projects; all of that, now magnified by this struggle with my daughter, have weakened me, have made me doubt myself, etc.

This move will be good for me. Once I find a place to go to.

San Francisco Bay area, Santa Barbara, San Diego, even Carmel Valley, but as a last choice, are all good possibilities. LA proper is overwhelming to me.

I just need help finding a place to live, maybe even one that is owned by a friend (like I have such friends!!) or a friend of a friend.... !

So that's what I am thinking. Sorry for being such a downer, but I needed for you to understand where I am coming from.

Oh, and I am hoping to be back there by mid-February.

After two weeks of being out with my phlebitis, I am going back to school tomorrow. I can't wait to see my students!! I am spending my Sunday preparing my lessons, cleaning, walking my puppy dog, who has matured in to a relatively well-behaved young lady, and trying to make progress on my move back to the US.