Thoughts and Notes From the Past Few Weeks

My maternal instinct wants to be near my daughter. But my gut somehow doesn't think that Wausau is the right place, economically and job-wise and all that.

It does make sense. It's interesting that my instinct is telling me not to live in Wausau.

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I have a hard time with her Dad, but we are already in court and have attorneys and all that good stuff. He'd have to let me see her more often than he does now. It's virtually impossible to see her less!

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I haven't seen them since Christmas. And before that, I hadn't seen Morgan since Halloween.

Although, I think I am going to need some serious mental health care before I'm really safe. I was quite relieved to wake up this morning and not wind up like Heath Ledger. I am fraught with anxiety and depression and stuff these days. No job. Morgan. Fabrice. Not really wanting to leave CA. My son's alcohol and drug problems. Missing my Mom. Feeling so alone. Hopelessness. No job. No job. No job. No insurance. No medication. No sleep. Taking Benedryl to make myself sleep.

I think I accidentally took too much a couple of weeks ago. As in twice the maximum dose per kg. I made myself throw it up and stay awake for 4 hours, the time it is supposed to stay in your system, so as not to join Mr. Ledger.

I didn't talk about it, really, until now.

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My son has already been through drug and alcohol treatment once. I brought him back from France in January, 2007, and sent him to rehab out here. Since he went back to school, though, he's been drinking and doing drugs again. Dealing, too.

I used to have a great relationship with my daughter. Then she resented me for not spending more time with her father. She has conveniently forgotten that he rarely came to see her even when we lived in MN. My Dad's girlfriend thought I should let her spend a while living with her Dad, so I let her go for a year. And now she wants to finish high school there. She rarely wants to talk to me for more than a minute and a half, and doesn't seem interested in seeing me, either.

Fabrice knows he screwed up, and is willing to do whatever to make it up to me. I don't know.

Some self-esteem would be good.

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Seriously... It's interesting, my friends all said to do what I think is best, or trust my instinct.

However, my instinct is telling me that Wausau isn't the place for me, but that I shouldn't live in the Cities, either. When I lived there from 1999 to 2002, that was during the height of my illnesses and surgeries. I had the last surgery in February of 2002, and went back out to Cali that May, for another Master's degree and a new start. When I lived in France the past two years, I wasn't a whole lot healthier, and am starting to believe that the colder climes just aren't for me. Last year when we drove from TX to CA, we wound up spending 3 days in Flagstaff, AZ. My sister just said that maybe that's where I should go. My daughter says she'd rather see me healthy and happy than necessarily living where she does. I had limited my thinking to the cities and Wausau, but I am rethinking things now. My gut tells me not to live in MN or WI.

As for my son, he says he's getting treatment in Northfield in a non-12-step program. He doesn't want to talk to me much these days. It's apparently my fault that he has these problems. Or so he says. So I am keeping my mouth shut and giving him his space. Whether what he thinks is true or not, it's what he thinks, and so that is what he's reacting to this time around, and all the talk in the world won't change his mind unless I agree with him. Which I don't.

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Lots of my depression comes from not having a job. But more of it comes from other stuff. And I was not happy or healthy in MN or in France. I am not in tip-top shape right now, happiness or healthwise, but I am a lot better than I was in France. Yesterday's Benedryl thing made me nervous, though. And I do know I don't want to wind up like I was when I lived in Northfield last. Or like I was in France. There is definitely a SAD component to my depression. There's also a genetic component, an upbringing component. A number of components.

Why can't I just KNOW what I am supposed to do?!

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I was seeing a therapist from 2006 to 2007. Then she said she thought I was doing well, making good choices, etc., and that I didn't need to see her or take anti-depressants anymore. Stopping either, much less both, was a very bad mistake.

I may not ever go to France again. I definitely will never, EVER set foot in my in-laws' home, whether they remain my mother- and father-in-law, or not.

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