Thanks and Apologies

Thank you, friends and strangers, for all of your help, support, encouragement and friendship. Not all people are lucky enough to know people as kind-hearted and generous as you!

I am down with a bad back for a couple of days. Ever since that cow jumped on me in late 1985/early 1986, I have had recurring back troubles. Carrying that heavy luggage on Sunday did me in. I missed the flight from Phoenix, and had to fly to San Jose, and take a shuttle. Fortunately for me, the bags flew to their true destination, and Fabrice was able to pick them up prior to my arrival. I slept relatively well, despite the back pain, and am putting things away and settling in now. I have to stop every couple of whiles, though, because of the back pain. I don't want to take any medication, because with the memory problems I have been having, I would not want to accidentally overdose, again.

I am sorry so many things were left behind. I shouldn't have run out of time the way I did. Please know that I did my best.

Fabrice will be going back to MN in about ten days to rent a car and drive the critters and all of our remaining belongings back here. Then, he'll drive back to MN, and fly back out here. We'll need someone who's willing to go with him to the rental car place, like before.

I am going in to the hospital in the next few days. Hopefully, I will only need to be there for 72 hours or so. After that, I am returning to see the therapist I was seeing when I lived here before. I am also attending group therapy and a day treatment program. I hope and pray that I do not go the way of my maternal greatgrandmother, Grace, my cousin, or my paternal grandmother.

But there is something seriously wrong with my thinking, my self-esteem has been obliterated, and I am having many disturbing memory lapses. My depression, anxiety, panic attacks, etc., have come to take over my entire existence, and I feel so hopeless, shameful, disgraceful, and worthless, that I do not even look at myself in the mirror anymore.

Fabricee is working this Friday and Saturday, and we are still waiting on his police department background check, fingerprinting, and polygraph, and then he will start in his employment with the City of Pacific Grove Police Department. He also has an interview with a university police department next week.

I just hope and pray that I can get my overwhelming mental health problems under control, and soon, and that I am able to spend some quality time with my precious daughter and Fabrice's beautiful girls this summer. I also hope that the judges in Wisconsin are not stupid, understand the economic issues and mental health issues I am trying to deal with, and don't expect me to pay unreasonable and unrealistic amounts as child support when I don't even have enough money pay my current day-to-day expenses. I got an offset from my ex-husband's taxes, but that still leaves him owing me over $20,000 in child support arrearages AND INTEREST (the interest is more than the arrearages after all these years.)

Otherwise, if John or Morgan asks about me, you can answer their questions. Or any that Peggy may have. But, because of Christine's bad-mouthing, judging and criticising me to my daughter, because of Morgan's lying about it until I showed her proof, and because my life is none of her business even if she is keeping my daughter from me, I will not speak to Christine Daniels, will not email or write to her, and will not respond to any of her communications. Similarly, I believe Chuck MacCarthy to be a judgmental hypocrite, and prefer not to communicate with him. I do not like John, but he is my daughter's father; I do like Peggy, and only feel sorry that she is in the position she is. As far as you all are concerned, I ask only that you relay my sentiment to Christine Daniels and/or chuck MacCarthy, should the need arise, and that you ask that she/he allow you to remain uninvolved in the horrible ordeal that John and Christine are tormenting me with. Thank you.

I hope you all are well. I am sorry for being such a failure.

It's hard to do most everything yourself for pretty much your entire adult life, to have your children turn their backs on you, and to try to live in constant shame, despair, and physical and mental anguish.

I am SO very tired of trying, I can't even imagine tomorrow, much less, next week. Hopefully, I have hit rock bottom, as I do not know that I could survive any more.

Know that I am doing the best I can. Right now, though, I am simply trying to stay out of a homeless shelter until some income starts making its way to our pockets.

I am going to try my hardest to give Fabrice, my marriage, my children, my in-laws, and even myself another chance. Everybody deserves forgiveness and second chances, doncha' know?!

I love you all very much, and I miss you far more than I ever thought possible. I miss my children so much, it physically hurts. I miss Mom. Heck, I miss Dad!!! I miss my nieces. I miss the dogs; and, I even miss those darn felines!!! I can't tell you how much I am tired of depression and anxiety, tired of being in physical pain, tired of dealing with loss and despair, and tired of always, always, always having to work so hard to believe I deserve what everyone else does.

I hope that you will be able to come out and visit me very soon.

Thank you.