Some Things are Beyond Me

I can't do it the "quick and easy" way. I cannot feign nonchalance. It isn't in me. I'm sorry. Thought I could, but I was wrong.

I can't pretend not to care. I can't pretend I don't feel my feelings. I can't pretend I don't want to live "happily ever after..." Or that I do not want a commitment. Because I do, and I can't pretend.

I can't get rid of grief. I want it to stop. But it doesn't. Ever. I don't know how to make the pain go away.

I cannot keep myself from wishing that my mother were still here. Only not sick. I cannot keep myself from wishing that my father had died, instead. Not that I wish he wasn't alive, I just wish that she was. I can't help but feel guilty for feeling these things.

I started the day out happy and at peace... with myself, my life, and my place in the world. The past few days, I have been pushing away my feelings, not wanting to feel them. Not wanting to accept the different facets of my experience. Grief is hitting me head-on, again... I tried to pretend to be joyful, tried to be relaxed, unassuming, tried not to take things too seriously...

What makes something "too serious?" Why does it matter if I am serious? Why should anybody care if I take things to heart?

I started the day happy; then I grew sad about my Momma; then I was nervous about a test I had to take; then I was sad about my father and my sisters, about all of the broken people I know, about the broken person that I am; then I tried being carefree, doing something that I take very seriously, quickly. It didn't work. It wasn't me. I took my test, and did alright, but I was nervous, and babbled a bit, forgot a word or two, and didn't know the meaning of 2 out of 6 proverbs. It makes me feel like I suck.

I am sad.
I miss my Mom.
I miss the lost opportunities.
I'm tired of being broken.
I'm tired of putting on a brave front, when I really want someone to love me and care about me, from now on, in a committed, life-long friendship.
I feel such loss.
I'm afraid to tell anybody, afraid they will not want to understand, afraid I will scare them or offend them or drive them away.
I just want to lie down, cry all my tears, let go, and be safe, in his arms and his warmth.
I just want to cry.