For corn's sake!

Things here are alright. Just alright, though. I ran out of allergy medication and forgot to get my prescription refilled, which meant that my allergies hit really bad, and then I got a cold and cough. Oh well, for once, I am REALLY glad it's Friday.

My birthday was okay, but relatively uneventful. My sisters and son all forgot. So did my friend, *****. Oh well. The reasons why that even matters at all are a story for another day... Morgan and I walked down to Fisherman's Wharf for ice cream, and it was on our way back that we ran into *****. All he said was "Hi," he didn't even cross the street.

My heart breaks at the sight of him. Not for romantic reasons, but because I thought we were friends. That he would believe what he seems to believe about me, or about my friends, hurts me.

I don't even want to see his former girlfriend, ********. And, of course, I have to go by both of their homes to get to the beach. I've taken to walking down to the beach over the dune behind my house, which involves some acrobatics, but is at least less heart-wrenching.

The other day, Morgan and I went to walk the dogs and they were down there, boogie boarding. I immediately spun around, and accessed the beach a different way. On the way home, Morgan and I took different routes, as I did not want to run into her. Morgan ran into him, so I was relieved to have gone a different way.

As the French say, le plus gêné s’en va, or, in my case, la plus gênée s’en va. And, in this, I appear to be la plus gênée. Mostly because I am so offended, hurt, and sad.

My friend, Jean, came to dinner a couple of weeks ago, now, and my friend, Pam, last week. Other friends called, and my friend, Tim, came down from Palo Alto for the day of my birthday, and taught me how to make chicken paprikash. But even he did not wish me a happy birthday. It all makes me feel so very tired. Making dinner with him was alot of fun. It was good stuff, too. I had never had it before, but certainly will make it again!

The birthday thing wouldn't matter, except that it brings back so many memories of my childhood, being deemed unworthy of praise or affection or gifts. Even though I know in my head that I didn't deserve the horros of my childhood, in my heart, I feel that I did. And it is so very difficult to control those feelings of shame and hurt and fear. It is even more difficult to separate myself from the little girl I used to be on occasions like my birthday and during the holidays.

Sunday was a kind of a rough day. It was the one-year anniversary of my mother's death, and it all hit me pretty hard. My sister, Michèle, called in the evening to see how I was doing. We talked for a while. She hadn't even been able to sleep the night before, and my other sister had been drinking all day. I guess people cope the best they can, huh? After that, and thinking about oh-so many things, I've been kind of down. Crying off and on, and just basically feeling empty, lonely, and tired. I think that, in general, life shouldn't be so sad and frustrating and hurtful. I believe that most people are doing their best at least most of the time. I just get tired of artifice and feigned emotions or positions. I would rather act in kindness and truth. I don't want to come to the end of my road overcome with regrets. You know what I mean? In the meantime, it's all a jumble in my mind, and more so, in my heart. And I don't know what to do sometimes....

My mother was able to end her life without too many regrets, for the most part; even going so far as to forgive my father and to tell him so. Unfortunately, she did leave one of her three sisters, whom she hadn't spoken to in years, without resolving their issues. But, since I do not know that whole story, I must refrain from passing judgment. I just think it's too bad, is all. The more of my life that I live, the more important it becomes to me to be honest and straightforward to people, to tell them what I am thinking or feeling, and to take actions based on my core values, no matter what. Of course, I am not a perfect person, and I have things I could do better, even now, and others still unresolved. But, for me, anyway, there is still time left on the clock.

Loosing someone you love so dearly, and sometimes hated even more, is complicated, convoluted, and difficult.

So my sisters, and me, I guess we are all just doing our best to muddle through.

I want to start boogie-boarding. Just not when she is there... I need to get a wet suit, and to buy Jen's old one from her for Morgie.

So much to do.
So many tears.
A few regrets.
So much heartache.
When does it stop, for corn's sake?!