From Al Anon, on Detachment

For the friends and family of the alcoholic, the key to serenity is finding the wisdom to know the difference between what they can and cannot change. "... we discover that no situation is really hopeless, and that it is possible for us to find contentment, and even happiness, whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not."

The first time a friend or family member of an alcohlic hears these words -- read at the opening of virtually every meeting they seem too good to be true. [...] For the alcoholic family reality can become one crisis after another. Pain, heartache, agony, stress, pressure, and emotional turmoil, we've got -- but happiness? [...]
One of the keys to that reality is detachment. [...] "Detachment is neither kind nor unkind. It does not imply judgement or condemnation of the person or situation from which we are detaching. It is simply a means that allows us to separate ourselves from the adverse effects that another person's alcoholism can have upon our lives." Many times the family members find that they have become just as obsessed -- and perhaps even more -- with the alcoholic's behavior than the alcoholic is with the drink. The Al-Anon program teaches us to "put the focus on ourselves" and not on the alcoholic, or anyone else.

If we put the focus on ourselves, we will no longer be in the position to:

Suffer because of the actions and reaction of others.
Allow ourselves to be used or abused by others.
Do for others what they could do for themselves.
Manipulate situations so others will eat, sleep, get up, pay bills and not drink.
Cover up for anyone's mistakes or misdeeds.
Create a crisis.
Prevent a crisis if it is the natural course of events.

But what about the alcoholic? What happens if I stop doing all of these things that I have done all these years to "help?" Has it helped? Al Anon members learn that no individual is responsible for another person's disease or recovery from it.