I learned some things yesterday...

I made a short list at my counseling appointment, yesterday. I learned a few things. Some may seem obvious, but aren't, to me. Others, I may "know," intellectually, but am unable to incorporate into my personal assessment and thinking processes:

1. I have a very long to-do list for my life that is bigger and more important than the problems I want to resolve.

2. Although I absolutely crave it, order isn't everything. According to Susan, my therapist, even if the spices and DVDs are not in alphabetical order, even if my closet isn't organized according to color, shade, and sleeve-length, I will be alright.

3. I am in control of my life.

I decide whether or not to confront the people who have hurt me. I decide whether or not to tell my father what his alcoholism and abuse have done to me, how they have devastated my life for so long, and in so many ways. I decide.

4. I don't have to confront him to forgive him.

Forgiving him does not mean that what he did was alright.

I do not have to ever do anything with him. Or to see him. Or to talk to him.

I decide.

5. The same goes for the other people who have really hurt me. I decide whether or not to confront them. I decide whether or not to ever even interact with them again.

They are decisions I get to make. Not just once, but all the time.

6. I was born with power. Like everybody else. People are born with a sense of power, of deservedness, of need, and of immediacy.

7. I am no less worthy or deserving than anybody else. No matter what they did. No matter what they said.

8. I can reclaim my sense of control over my life, my power, simply by choosing to do what delights me, and not to do what doesn't.

It really is that simple, but it isn't always easy.

I decide.


That is all.