The Way it is Going to Be - To My Daughter
1. In an attempt to avoid doing to everybody what my friend's, and F's ex-wives have done to them and to their children, I offered to allow you to live with J and C for eighth grade. I said that, after that, once I was back in the States, and ASSUMING that I had been allowed appropriate custodial time with my daughter at my place of residence, "we will see," what would be done from eighth grade on. All I wanted was for you to have a loving, supportive relationship with both of your parents. I did not want, never intended for, and never indicated that such a change in residence would be permanent. After eighth grade, I intended for my daughter to come back to live with my husband, and me and to spend any and all breaks from school of 4 days or more in Wisconsin.
2. When I was a single mother, things were not easy. J never was current in his child support payments. I wasn't always making as much money as I could. In addition to the financial difficulties, I suffer from depression. Just like J's alcoholism, depression is a disease, and an extremely devastating one. My depression and my fatigue at trying to do everything by myself all the time, working full-time while going to school full-time, and being your sole parent for twelve years and 10 months took their toll. Our family life was virtually non-existent. I did my best, but my best was not necessarily good enough. Over the years, though, things got better. I sought treatment for my depression. I had a good job. I was better able to keep things under control and to provide you a good home. It wasn't always perfect, but it was better and better. By the beginning of 2007, my therapy was going well, and my depression was not defining my life. My psychiatrist and my therapist said that I was making mindful, loving decisions. My panic attacks were under control. Etc. They told me that I was no longer exhibiting symptoms of depression and did not need to continue treatment. I started that treatment back up again a couple of months ago, though, because my depression is worse in wintry climates than it was in California. I do not deal well with the darkness and cold. I do not like France. However, the depression is not debilitating. It is simply there. Things in my home are clean and well organized. At work, I am known for being organized and dependable. I cook. We do things together as a family. In sum, I am living a "normal" life. My "homesickness" is not defining my life or my decisions, either.
3. J and C are deliberately and willfully interfering, not only with our verbal agreements as far as your time in Wisconsin is concerned, but also with local, State, and Federal laws with respect to child custody and parenting time. Not only are they doing so, but they are attempting to disguise their choices by saying that their bank takes forever to cash foreign checks, and by, as always, bad-mouthing me and telling you that the fact that they have chosen not to allow you to spend your Christmas break with me at my place of residence is MY fault. Such is not the case. Isn't it odd that everybody else's bank cashes my checks in under a week, but that theirs takes months?
4. I am going to the US Embassy this coming Friday to file an initial formal complaint for custodial interference. As the embassy is not a judicial, but a diplomatic entity, such a filing has no legal impact, but does establish the incidence of custodial interference.
5. There is no way on God's green earth that your passport will arrive in time for you to spend your Christmas break with me. J and C have willfully and deliberately refrained from seeking the issuance of said passport in order to manipulate the situation and everybody involved so as to deny me the parenting time to which I am entitled. I have not asked for much during the time that I have allowed you to live with J, and what little I have asked for has been denied. I give my daughter gifts, they are taken away. I try to continue the passion for photography that you and I had begun exploring together, and that, too, is denied. I NEVER, EVER either confiscated your gifts from any of your father's family or denied you the opportunity to pursue any interests you began while in their care. That is not right, and is also continued evidence of custodial interference.
6. Not one time in the past few months has either J or C bothered to attempt calm discussion or negotiation of this matter with me. Not once did either of them approach me to talk to me as a loving, caring mother. Not once. P and C did. But them, your father and stepmother? They couldn't be bothered. How is that behavior, how are those decisions, in your best interests, pray tell?
7. Because of J and C's actions and decisions, any verbal agreements we may have had have been nullified.
8. I have a basic civil, constitutionally protected right to direct your upbringing and education. In addition to that fundamental right, I am and have always been your custodial parent. While my life was not always so great, not only have those rights never been denied, but also all material changes in circumstances in your environment while in my care have been improvements. Now, my life is even better. My depression is controlled. I am working. I have a loving, caring husband, and a good and stable marriage. I have a real family life and only wish my child, you, to be part of that life. You may believe that our relationship is better with you living with J and C, but, since you have never experienced our relationship under these stable, loving, caring, and nurturing circumstances, you don't really know.
9. Therefore, by the end of February, I will be back living in the US. I will reserve, purchase, and pay for a plane ticket for you to join me at my home with my husband. I will inform you all of the date and time for that flight, and will expect you to be on it. If you are not on that plane, I will file a formal complaint with the local law enforcement agencies both where I live and in Wausau, for willful denial of parental rights and custodial interference.
10. I will expect you to live with me and to have an open mind as to that living situation and our relationship. I want you to experience for yourself what life is like with me when I am not a single parent and can therefore provide a complete, full, loving, caring, clean, healthy, familial environment to my child, you, who I love more than anything else on Earth. I will, of course, allow you to spend as much of your school break time as is possible with J and C. Except that, because you have not spent more than three days with me since March; and because my Christmas visit with you, and your Christmas visit with me and F's family, who only want to meet and get to know you, the granddaughter, niece, and cousin that they already love, I will request compensatory parenting time during the summer of 2008 so that your summer visit with J will consist of four weeks, only, as defined in our divorce agreement, but with the actual dates to be determined in accordance with your school calendar.
11. If and only if you are returned to my care, custody and control; if and only if you undertake living with me with an open mind and give the situation an honest effort; if and only if J and C cease and desist from demeaning and belittling me, brainwashing my daughter against me, and otherwise interfering in my relationship with my child; and, if and only if my parenting time is not acceptable or is more difficult than is in your best interest; then and only then, during the summer of 2008, will I consider a change in your custodial placement for the 2008-2009 academic year.
12. M, all I am asking for is to live with and love my child. That is not unreasonable. All I am asking you to do is what you say F's daughters should do with him, and to give me and my new life an honest, open, and loving chance. All I am asking for is the kind of love, compassion, forgiveness and understanding you have always shown to J and C, to your brother, to everybody everywhere, except me. I want you to please give me and our relationship the kind of chance, the kind of openness, the kind of compassion and understanding and love, and the kind of forgiveness that you give to everybody else.
13. I am not now, nor will I ever attempt to prohibit J his relationship with you. I will do whatever is in my power to ensure that you are able to spend as much time with him as possible, in accordance with the provisions outlined in item 10, above. You have a right to a caring, loving, bonding relationship with both of your parents, and with both sides of your family, including, not only J and C's families, but also mine and F's.
14.
"Equal custody" does NOT mean EQUAL parenting time. However, it does mean that I have a right to have you with me, and a right to abide by the parenting agreement put forth in my divorce agreement, as such agreement has not been modified and because I have not done anything to the detriment of your material custodial circumstances. I have only made a better home for you and for myself. With it being all the better, all the more stable, all the more loving, and all the more complete, since my depression and anxiety are under control; and since I am in a loving and stable marriage with a kind, compassionate, and caring man, your stepfather.
15. I am sorry that your father and stepmother could not see clear to follow through with our informal agreements. I am sorry that they insist on making me out to be such a bad person in your eyes. I am sorry you have been made to believe that you are better off without me. I am sorry you feel the way you do right now. Please know that I am taking the action that I believe is best, for you and for our parent-child relationship. If it doesn't work, I will let you go live with your Dad. But you need to give it a chance, Morgan.
16. Remember, all of your choices, all of my choices, all of everybody's choices, have consequences.
I love you.
Love,
Mom
2. When I was a single mother, things were not easy. J never was current in his child support payments. I wasn't always making as much money as I could. In addition to the financial difficulties, I suffer from depression. Just like J's alcoholism, depression is a disease, and an extremely devastating one. My depression and my fatigue at trying to do everything by myself all the time, working full-time while going to school full-time, and being your sole parent for twelve years and 10 months took their toll. Our family life was virtually non-existent. I did my best, but my best was not necessarily good enough. Over the years, though, things got better. I sought treatment for my depression. I had a good job. I was better able to keep things under control and to provide you a good home. It wasn't always perfect, but it was better and better. By the beginning of 2007, my therapy was going well, and my depression was not defining my life. My psychiatrist and my therapist said that I was making mindful, loving decisions. My panic attacks were under control. Etc. They told me that I was no longer exhibiting symptoms of depression and did not need to continue treatment. I started that treatment back up again a couple of months ago, though, because my depression is worse in wintry climates than it was in California. I do not deal well with the darkness and cold. I do not like France. However, the depression is not debilitating. It is simply there. Things in my home are clean and well organized. At work, I am known for being organized and dependable. I cook. We do things together as a family. In sum, I am living a "normal" life. My "homesickness" is not defining my life or my decisions, either.
3. J and C are deliberately and willfully interfering, not only with our verbal agreements as far as your time in Wisconsin is concerned, but also with local, State, and Federal laws with respect to child custody and parenting time. Not only are they doing so, but they are attempting to disguise their choices by saying that their bank takes forever to cash foreign checks, and by, as always, bad-mouthing me and telling you that the fact that they have chosen not to allow you to spend your Christmas break with me at my place of residence is MY fault. Such is not the case. Isn't it odd that everybody else's bank cashes my checks in under a week, but that theirs takes months?
4. I am going to the US Embassy this coming Friday to file an initial formal complaint for custodial interference. As the embassy is not a judicial, but a diplomatic entity, such a filing has no legal impact, but does establish the incidence of custodial interference.
5. There is no way on God's green earth that your passport will arrive in time for you to spend your Christmas break with me. J and C have willfully and deliberately refrained from seeking the issuance of said passport in order to manipulate the situation and everybody involved so as to deny me the parenting time to which I am entitled. I have not asked for much during the time that I have allowed you to live with J, and what little I have asked for has been denied. I give my daughter gifts, they are taken away. I try to continue the passion for photography that you and I had begun exploring together, and that, too, is denied. I NEVER, EVER either confiscated your gifts from any of your father's family or denied you the opportunity to pursue any interests you began while in their care. That is not right, and is also continued evidence of custodial interference.
6. Not one time in the past few months has either J or C bothered to attempt calm discussion or negotiation of this matter with me. Not once did either of them approach me to talk to me as a loving, caring mother. Not once. P and C did. But them, your father and stepmother? They couldn't be bothered. How is that behavior, how are those decisions, in your best interests, pray tell?
7. Because of J and C's actions and decisions, any verbal agreements we may have had have been nullified.
8. I have a basic civil, constitutionally protected right to direct your upbringing and education. In addition to that fundamental right, I am and have always been your custodial parent. While my life was not always so great, not only have those rights never been denied, but also all material changes in circumstances in your environment while in my care have been improvements. Now, my life is even better. My depression is controlled. I am working. I have a loving, caring husband, and a good and stable marriage. I have a real family life and only wish my child, you, to be part of that life. You may believe that our relationship is better with you living with J and C, but, since you have never experienced our relationship under these stable, loving, caring, and nurturing circumstances, you don't really know.
9. Therefore, by the end of February, I will be back living in the US. I will reserve, purchase, and pay for a plane ticket for you to join me at my home with my husband. I will inform you all of the date and time for that flight, and will expect you to be on it. If you are not on that plane, I will file a formal complaint with the local law enforcement agencies both where I live and in Wausau, for willful denial of parental rights and custodial interference.
10. I will expect you to live with me and to have an open mind as to that living situation and our relationship. I want you to experience for yourself what life is like with me when I am not a single parent and can therefore provide a complete, full, loving, caring, clean, healthy, familial environment to my child, you, who I love more than anything else on Earth. I will, of course, allow you to spend as much of your school break time as is possible with J and C. Except that, because you have not spent more than three days with me since March; and because my Christmas visit with you, and your Christmas visit with me and F's family, who only want to meet and get to know you, the granddaughter, niece, and cousin that they already love, I will request compensatory parenting time during the summer of 2008 so that your summer visit with J will consist of four weeks, only, as defined in our divorce agreement, but with the actual dates to be determined in accordance with your school calendar.
11. If and only if you are returned to my care, custody and control; if and only if you undertake living with me with an open mind and give the situation an honest effort; if and only if J and C cease and desist from demeaning and belittling me, brainwashing my daughter against me, and otherwise interfering in my relationship with my child; and, if and only if my parenting time is not acceptable or is more difficult than is in your best interest; then and only then, during the summer of 2008, will I consider a change in your custodial placement for the 2008-2009 academic year.
12. M, all I am asking for is to live with and love my child. That is not unreasonable. All I am asking you to do is what you say F's daughters should do with him, and to give me and my new life an honest, open, and loving chance. All I am asking for is the kind of love, compassion, forgiveness and understanding you have always shown to J and C, to your brother, to everybody everywhere, except me. I want you to please give me and our relationship the kind of chance, the kind of openness, the kind of compassion and understanding and love, and the kind of forgiveness that you give to everybody else.
13. I am not now, nor will I ever attempt to prohibit J his relationship with you. I will do whatever is in my power to ensure that you are able to spend as much time with him as possible, in accordance with the provisions outlined in item 10, above. You have a right to a caring, loving, bonding relationship with both of your parents, and with both sides of your family, including, not only J and C's families, but also mine and F's.
14.
The only custodial determination for two fit parents, is equal custody. This survives “strict scrutiny,” does not violate Equal Protection or Due Process, is in the “best interests of the child,” and is constitutionally sound.
"Equal custody" does NOT mean EQUAL parenting time. However, it does mean that I have a right to have you with me, and a right to abide by the parenting agreement put forth in my divorce agreement, as such agreement has not been modified and because I have not done anything to the detriment of your material custodial circumstances. I have only made a better home for you and for myself. With it being all the better, all the more stable, all the more loving, and all the more complete, since my depression and anxiety are under control; and since I am in a loving and stable marriage with a kind, compassionate, and caring man, your stepfather.
"The greatest benefit a court can bestow upon children is to insure that they shall not only retain the love of both parents but shall at all times and constantly be deeply imbued with love and respect for both parents." Smith v. Smith, 205 A.2d 83 (New Jersey, 1964)
15. I am sorry that your father and stepmother could not see clear to follow through with our informal agreements. I am sorry that they insist on making me out to be such a bad person in your eyes. I am sorry you have been made to believe that you are better off without me. I am sorry you feel the way you do right now. Please know that I am taking the action that I believe is best, for you and for our parent-child relationship. If it doesn't work, I will let you go live with your Dad. But you need to give it a chance, Morgan.
16. Remember, all of your choices, all of my choices, all of everybody's choices, have consequences.
I love you.
Love,
Mom
posted by Nana @ 02:47
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