Sometimes I get downright angry

I get so mad about the things I've missed.
About the things I never had.
About the love that wasn't there until it was almost too late.
My life is not what I thought it would be.
The family I came from has never even been. Rather than family, they were never anything more than people that I knew. Or didn't know. Interacted with, that;;s what they were, people I interacted with. A few of them, a very few, have come to be family.
My kids are family. So are a few of my dearest friends.
But all of those things that are supposed to give form to a life.... I missed all of them.

Sometimes I get downright angry that I missed so much, that I am missing so much.
Sometimes I get so angry that other people have the things that I have never even dared to dream I deserve.
Sometimes I get even angrier that, just when I think that that moment has come, when I think I have achieved what I wanted to achieve, found what I hoped to find, it disappears, or dies, or fades away, or something.
Sometimes I get angry for feeling so much pain, and for so damn long.
sometimes I get angry for being so jealous of other people, of their lives, their successes, their love.
Sometimes I get so angry... who am I to be angry about such things? Why would I be given anything more than what I have? Shouldn't I be happy with the way things are? So many other people are suffering much more than I am.

Sometimes I get angry because I have a right to my feelings, anyway.

Sometimes I get so angry at other people for what they've done. To me. To each other. To themselves.
Sometimes I get so angry at myself. For whatever the reason may be.

Sometimes even anger is pain. Even pain is anger.



Sometimes I don't know what to do but cry.



And, even that doesn't do any damn good!