In the past few months, I have been doing a tremendous amount of reflecting and pondering.
I had the privilege of reading the book,
The 5 People You Meet in Heaven. Between that reading, reflecting upon my own life, and thinking about things going on in my life and in the lives of the people I care about, I kind of reached a personal epiphany of sorts. If nothing else, I realized what matters most to me in life and what I think it’s all about. And it isn’t the Hokie Pokie!!!
People often tell me that everything happens for a reason. Or that things work out for the best in the end. I think that’s a bunch of hooey. At least as far as our earthly lives are concerned, I don't believe that everything happens for a reason. Maybe it does in the grand scheme of things. Maybe there is some metaphysical or spiritual logic, or poetic justice to it all. But I can’t figure out what it is.
To me, there is no reason for any of the things that have been weighing on me. Not my friends and their problems, not my mother, not what happens to other people, either, none of it has a reason. None of it makes sense to me. I don’t think that it has to make sense, or to be part of some divine plan, in order for it to be meaningful, though. I do, however, believe Albom’s contention that all endings are also beginnings; we just don't know it at the time.
I think that we all, and all too easily, let ourselves get caught up in achieving certain goals. The goal of the day becomes our sole focus, and all of our energy and commitment is dedicated to achieving that particular goal. But, once we’ve reached it, then what do we do? It’s like Shel Silverstein’s poem:
I went to find the pot of gold
That’s waiting where the rainbow ends
I search and searched and searched and searched and then
There it was deep in the grass
Under an old and twisty bough
It’s mine it’s mine it’s mine at last…
What do I search for now?
And so, while it is crucial that we keep our sights on our goals, it is even more important that that is not done to the exclusion of all else. Likewise, none of us can truly be the best that we can be if we don’t take care of ourselves in all of our facets. By that, I mean that we shouldn’t focus just on our career, or just on our children, or just on ourselves. Careers fade, or we retire, children grow up and move away. You have to have taken care of all of you, and all the people and relationships in your life in order for that life to be complete. Of course, that’s just my opinion, I could be wrong!
I learned a couple of other things from that book and my thinking about it; things that are helping me through, and that have made a world of difference in my happiness and my perspective on things...
Fairness does not govern life, or death. This doesn't mean that we have to allow ourselves to wallow in martyrdom. But it does mean that you need to realize and understand what is and is not fair, and decide how you will incorporate those things into your life. This, maybe more than anything else, speaks to the concept of personal responsibility. For me, this is something very important. Beyond questions of good and bad, or matters of reservedness and shyness, each one of us will be defined by our integrity and our degree of personal responsibility.
Sacrifices ~ we all make them ~ sometimes voluntarily, sometimes not. What matters is not to dwell upon what we lose. That's not what it's about. Sacrifice isn't just about losing something or someone; it is something to aspire to instead of regretting. I think that that is part of what so moved us in observing Nancy Reagan embrace Ronnie's coffin (and Lord knows I did not like Reagan!), or what we sensed in the Dana and Christopher Reeve story. The sacrifices we make are not for nothing. Sometimes when you sacrifice something important to you, instead of actually losing it, you're passing it on to someone else who needs it more. That isn’t always the case. But, I do know that sacrifice is an important, integral part of life; it's all part of a whole. You can't enjoy anything without knowing (at some level, anyway) that something else is lost or sacrificed through the experience. Maybe this is the metaphysical or philosophical definition of "opportunity cost." Maybe I'm just completely mad. I don't think so, though. Rather, I believe that I have finally understood something tremendous about people and life, about love and relationships. I finally got it, the integrity and honor thing, and it is so much more than what I ever thought it would be.
So I have these thoughts all milling around in my head: my mother, my children, my sisters, even my father, my friends.... And out of all of this, a feeling has taken shape, a sensation of general comprehension that I never dreamed possible. It all feels so very basic, this new insight, like it was there all along, ready for the knowing, but that I somehow just couldn't see it. I am fairly sure that many, many, people never do. I think that this might be a more basic animal instinct, with a dash of human emotion added into the mix, “for good measure,” if you will. I know that it feels very raw and unrestrained; very feral, I guess you would say. Not bound by societal norms or restrictions, like so much of modern life can be.
Things are not always what they seem. In fact, I think that, more often than not, they are actually not what they seem. Sometimes, what hurts me most is when I finally let myself experience the full extent of my feelings for people~when I allow myself to be vulnerable and let someone "in." At the same time, though, that is probably what allowed me to reach this epiphany. That being said, people, all of us, do things out of loneliness and desperation. We act on impulse. We react. Right or wrong, that's what we do, all of us.
We can't know what is driving someone else's actions and behaviors; hell, we rarely even know what is driving our own decisions. But, because we can't have that knowledge, it is important to be loyal, to yourself and to the people and ideals who/that matter to you. And so, like most people (I hope!), I govern myself according to what I believe matters most.
My friends, my family, and the people I care about, will always live in my heart and mind. All of them. But, I need to make my own decisions, and do what is right with my heart and my soul.
People often tell me I am too much of a good girl, or too nurturing (they haven't always known me, but apparently that is the impression I give nowadays). They are people who haven’t taken the time to know me as a whole person. It’s too bad, really, but there isn’t anything I can really do about it. If people can’t see past my outward timidity and reservation to know the caring and passionate person I really am, faults and all, then maybe it’s really their loss. Nurturing is not a bad thing, and I will always have a nurturing side. But that does not dictate who I am. Who I was last year or even last month, is so very different from the "Danielle" I have become. Those iterations of me helped define me, and how I have come to be the person that I am, but they are not me.
Like someone once had to remind me, people
do change. And yet, part of them remains: the essential essence of your being (maybe it’s the soul) stays the same. But the decisions you make today, and the way you choose to live are usually very different from how you used to be. There is so much more to me than a nurturing, reserved, good girl... Because, nurturing, and goodness, and "love, like rain, can nourish from above [...] But sometimes, under the angry heat of life, love dries on the surface and must nourish itself from below, tending to its roots, keeping itself alive." All of the sudden, I feel driven by some basic need. I don't even know what it is that I need, I just know that I can't deny any truths, and I have to allow myself to continue to become the person I have always been. Beyond nurturing and reservation, I have to be the passion I now feel inside of my soul.
Another lesson I learned from reading that book, and this is perhaps the most important lesson of all, is that when it comes down to it,
it's all about love. Every story, every movie, everything that we do; every life is a love story, or a series of love stories, anyway. Love between a man and a woman, a parent and child, between siblings, between friends. And, most importantly, “love, even lost love, is still love.”
And so, everyone I have ever loved, no matter the nature of that love, will always be with me. And I will always love them, no matter what. I believe that is the case with all of us. I may love others; I may feel completely new and exciting things for people I haven't even met yet. But none of them will be, none of them will replace, the people I loved before.
Each person I care about gets to keep that aspect of my caring and affection, that part of me, that they had; it is theirs. I will not feel for anyone what I felt for anyone else. As a friend, as a lover, as a child, as a parent, whatever it is, it's all love. And, again, even lost love is still love. "It takes a different form, that's all. You can't see their smile or bring them food or tousle their hair or move them around a dance floor. But when those senses weaken, another heightens. Memory. Memory becomes your partner."
People may leave me, or I them. Some will die. My mother died. She is gone, really gone. But I remember the words to Warren Zevon's
Keep Me in Your Heart for a While, "
If I leave you, it doesn't mean I love you any less." Other people just kind of drift away. We put them to the side for now, thinking we’ll deal with, or talk to them, again, later, when we have time. But we never have time. That moment never comes.
But neither does their memory ever completely leave you. Nor are you ever the person you were before, again, in that you can’t go back. I may never know the joy of talking to or being with any one of a number of people again. But nobody can take away the love. Not even they can take back the love they gave me, nor can they take away or return the love I felt for them. Love doesn't die, or break up, or decide something isn't working for them. People do those things. Love stays on in spite of it all. Bodies die. My mother’s body is gone. But the person she was, the people they were live on, and always will, as long as there is memory, and as long as there is love. You don't stop loving them just because they aren't here anymore. And, even more importantly, they do not stop loving you. I don't believe that something physically intangible, like love, can die, or stop~
there was no beginning, there is no end
it wasn't born and never dies
there are no edges, there is no size
oh yeah, you just don't win
it's so far out - the way out is in
bow to god and call him sir
but if you don't know where you're going
any road will take you there
~George Harrison
So, I have come to truly believe, more than anything else, that,
when it comes down to the measure of our lives, all that we have is love.
And that's it, that is all there is to it, and yet, in my mind, it is everything.
The book ends with these words, and they are so-dead on true, that I must share them as well: each of us "affects the other and the other affects the next, and the world is full of stories, but the stories are all one."
