By January 12, the End Was Near

He admitted,

complicated, ive been tryin to stop drinkin and havin a hard time but my
dad confronted me and originally they wanted me to go to a month long in
hospital treatment deal, but i got em convinced to just let me see a
psychiatrist in rennees and check out AA. i just made a bet with him that
i could go until may without drinking a drop and i have every intention of
keeping that promise/bet. ill still smoke a little (pot) but im also
quitting cigarettes so the next four months will be very hard. but if i
can pull it off that wouldbe amazing and id be really proud of myself.
after that i would drink senior year but nothing like i have been doing
(ie not alone). however i am leaving for rennes on mon/tues so i
ASBOLUTELY need money in my account before then. right now i need
everyone's support as these next few months are going to be incredibly
incredibly hard for me. my first and most important stop is to a
psychiatrist. im only going to go to amsterdam for 3 days instead of 6,
and im not going to drink there either, ill just smoke which is why you go
to amsterdam anyways, its not to get wasted. although ill prolly bring
back 2 bottles of absinthe, one for my dad and one for me to bring back to
the united states. like i said these next few months will be hell, but i
konw i can do it and if i can really make it that long then ill be so
proud of myself itll be ridiculous.

And on the 13th,

first off you DID say youd put in some money in this week last week when i
talked to you on AIM. second off, i wish you would have just a little
faith. if i try an incare treatment facility now then I will have wasted
20,000 dollars on a semester of school becuase i wont be able to complete
my program here. its not like ive ever TRIED to quit drinking, this is my
first time putting effort into it. and ive already told many friends
about this resolution and they were all very supportive of me. i dont
think you understand me or my problem here at all. i am firmly ocnvinced
that once ive worked my problems out with psychiatrist i will be fine. im
seeing friends in amsterdam in a few weeks and i told them througha
message that i couldnt drink with them and not to even tempt me, and that
i would only smoke while i was there and heres what he wrote me back:
"dude, not a problem at all. And you know we'll be there to help you
through it man, we care about ya which sounds kinda flaming but you know,
we're tight. haha. i prolly won't drink while we are there either. Tell
your rents that we will be watching out for you and that we've been
conserned and want to help you through it. miss ya man, and just keep me
informed." I have another good friend who said she's join me for at least
2 months of it cause shes going to be training for a marathon. dont
assume that i cant do this on my own. i KNOW i can. ive been mulling it
over in my head and like i said im determined not to touch a drop of
alcohol for 4 months (and that even includes on St. Patrick's Day, when
every person in rennes will be drunk). please keep in mind that I am not
chris or papy or his father. i think thats the biggest problem here, you
think that im just like them. i showed you that i can very easily go a
week without substances when i was with you in cali. all im saying is
give me a chance. i am my own person and id like it if you gave me at
least a little credit. im even more determined cause NO ONE thinks that i
can do this, which just pisses me off. as far as the money, i was
thinking put in the 1500 by end of january, count that as the 800 left
from my fin aidd first semester as well as 700 from my next check. then
deposit that other 800 from this check how you see fit and then later put
in money. since i wont be drinking this semester my expenses should be
less. plus i am going to try and get a job. my drinking problem is en
emotional one, the problem stems from when i drink alone which is to
forget my depression, not if im drinking reasonably with friends while
everyone else is. like i said i dont even plan on doing that until i get
home from france, and even then it willbe very rare (probably a little the
first time i get back and go to see my friends, on my 21st
birthday, and for certain concerts). i wont be drinking until then, and i
also will be completely quitting after my senior year. give me the
benefit of the doubt for once that i can get this thing under control.
like i said this is the FIRST time ive ever made a REAL effort to quit
drinking and what i need is support not you telling me i cant do it. in
patient care is something i will only do as an absolute last resort and
not until im done with college, im not ready to live in a hospital anytime
soon, the time i had to do that when i was a kid was absolutely
traumatizing (im not sure which was worse the hospital or PALS, but both
were horrible experiences and I think at the root of some of the
depression that causes me to drink to forget my sorrow) and im not ready
to go back there unless its a matter of life/death. anyways i WILL thank
you for writing this letter, cause since you dont believe i can do this
either it just makes me want to prove you all wrong even more.

We were on a roller coaster ride. Something I had never hoped to do!

the outpouring of support ive had from everyone i talk to is very
encouraging. i am determined to do this, and i am telling you that all
that anything takes is determination. im not as of now physically
addicted to alcohol (in that i dont feel any sort of physical withdrawal
when i dont drink). that just leaves the psychological addiction, and i
know i can beat this. please dont discourage me. by telling me that i
cant do it without help youre just hurting my resolution. give me a
chance to do this by myself. thanks you.

And I thought I WAS giving him a chance!!!

He was not giving up the fight, yet, though,

first off i will go to see a therapist, and if they think i need to
hospitalize myself i will right when i come back from amsterdam. second,
if (as i think will be the case) i can do this with the help of therapy
and what not, i will try that. if i fail, and my drinking is still
problematic i will do that thing you talked to me about this summer,
during the summer. i am already in contact with one chemical dependency
therapist through the lowdown who can give me advice that he gives the
problem drinkers he works with. i will start seeing a therapist which is
necessary for me anyway. i want to take care of this but on my own terms.
i want to be able to take advantage of this semester. all of my friends
who im going with to amsterdam have already told me that i have their full
support, and theyre not even going to drink either. i do need to get that
plane ticket soon im coming in on the 28th of jan and leaving the 31st.
please email me back tonight. i love you very much, i think i can do this
and seriously id like to be given the chance to be able to defeat this
with my own willpower. i know your skeptical but think about how much
itll boost my self confidence if i can defeat this my self. i love you

It wasn't getting better yet, though. In fact, things would get far worse before they even started to get better!

Alright. FIrst off im sorry for putting so much pressure on you. I
understand that you don't have money, but it has been over a month and a
half since you were supposed to put money in last, but anyway i digress.
You're also correct, you have the right to disagree about how i go about
this whole quitting thing, and i think that for now this is just one of
those instances where well have to agree to disagree. You need to
understand that i have problems with substance abuse, but im still VERY
young, and i think that i can get over them and get to a point where i can
handle the usage of alcohol normally. when i say i will drink senior year
im not talking about drinking like i used to, getting wasted off my ass
two, three, or even four times a week. im talking about sitting around
with friends enjoying a few beers and just hanging one day out of a
weekend or two a month. the main thing i need to do is to get over using
alcohol as an emotional crutch and daily companion and the MAIN thing i
need to do that is therapy to get over my emotional issues. alcohol is
NOT meth or heroine, if i drink a beer with friends to relax in a years
time im not going to immediately relapse into being a hopeless alcoholic.
what i want to do is cut my drinking down to a level that is tolerable for
any normal person. to do this i know that i need to completely give it up
and do counseling for a while becuase right now im just not capable of
handling it. but i DO think that i can get to a point where i can. why,
you might ask, do i think this. because ive already done it with
marijuana. ive gone from smoking 5 or 6 times a day which i did from my
senior year in high school to my sophomore year in college, to smoking on
average once every couple of weeks to relax with friends. i do understand
why youre concerned given family history. but look at it this way, NONE
of the other people in our family went to any measures ever to quit or get
their drinking under control, I AM and at a very young age at that. i
plan on enjoying the last few years of my college experience and getting a
go in the real world, my senior year in college will be a time to solidify
my future, enjoy some last times withmany people who ill never see again
and just in general get my life in order. i disagree that this issue is
as black and white as you think it is, not every person is the same and
not every alcoholic is the same. its not like ive been one for 20 years,
its been a mattero f a relatively small amount of time and i think that i
can get to a point where i can be normal with it. theres no way for me to
convince you except to show you, so for now well have to leave it at that.
for now just be happy that im planning on spending sucha long amount of
time alcohol free. i think one thing is fairly obvious, if i can go
without drinking at all for four or five months in an absolutely booze
soaked environment like france, that alone shows im capable of controlling
my alcoholism. i think ive finally figured out what i want to do with my
life, and to do so i have certain steps i need to take. in any case, i
love you very much. hope you get that check by tuesday. talk to you
soon. if you want to talk any more get on aim. im leaving for rennes
tommorrow, hopefully i can convince marji to feed me. thanks for
everything.

That was January 14. By later on that same day, the bottom fell out of the world,

please get on aim. ive done something stupid again. i have a real
problem. i want to go see my friends in amsterdam and come straight back
to california so i can get some real profressional help. please get on
aim as soon as you get this. its EXTREMELY important.

And then,

PLEASE GET ON AIM AS SOON AS YOU GET THIS WE NEED TO TALK, AND I REALLY
THINK I SHOULD COME HOME NOW. I KNOW YOU DONT LIKE AIM BUT THIS IS REALLY
IMPORTANT TO ME.

And then,

lets just say youre right and i need to come home and go to that place you
were talking about

All this while I was at work!!! What a day!

m doesnt want me in her home anymore and i have a SERIOUS problem,
and i want to come home. p and d prolly wont want me to, but i
need to get healed. otherwise im just fucked. get on aim ASAP SO WE CAN
TALK. PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!

M has not seen the boy since he left her house in January. Unfortunately, he hasn't seen his father or brothers since, either.

The day wasn't nearly over yet!

damnit mom thats what im saying. i wanna come home, to cali, and go
straight to that rehab place that you were talking about this summer. i
did a fucked up drug today, cause i couldnt drink, got caught and i just
know that i need to get out of here. as long as im in france i CANT get
better. seriously. now that my dad and m dont want me i have no reason
to stay. i planned on talking to p and d but i wanted to talk to
you first. give methe link for the rehab place, and tell me what you
think. right now my thought is to come home in a couple weeks, spend a
week (clean mind you) at home with you, then go to that rehab place for
amonth or so. then come back to your place, get a job and work for a few
months, maybe go to a few concerts and just take it easy. then when i
feel healed go back to olaf in fall. please email me asap.and i will tell
papy and denise whats up but let me talk to you before we go ahead and
talk to them. i already have my dad and m who never want to see me
again, i dont want this to happen with you, or with p or d. please
email me asap. im ready to get real help, please dont let this slip by.

I hope that I didn't let it slip by!! I did my best, in any event.

Still later that day, he emailed,

i just need to know are you still willing to help me, cause if youve given
up on me too, then im done. with everything.

But the rest of the news was bad news,

i dunno what p's number is. please let us tlak before so we can know
exactly what to say to him. hes not going to want me to come home but im
going to get nothing out of this semester and would really like to go to
that hippie rehab place you told me about this summer. could you please
tell me what the link was. i was doing inhalants, and i lied about it to
them. ive lied to them a lot and theyre sick of it. like i said i have a
problem that needs to get worked out. in the past 3 years ive drank,
smoked, done ecstasy, lsd, mushrooms, salvia, ritalinn, adderal, concerta,
vicodin, codeine, kadien, oxycontin, ether, akyl nitrates, opium, and im
prolly forgetting some (some experiences with the hallucinogens almost
helped me break my cycle of addiction but the environment ive been in and
the emotional problems i have have stopped me from making that final
step). but lets figure out the best way to talk to p before we talk to
him, or hell want me to get treated here which i know just wont work.
thank you for helping.

I needed to talk to someone, but there wasn't anybody to talk to. So I did what I thought was best, and through many conversations, brought the boy to CA, and put him in a treatment facility.

Still later on January 14, he wrote,

my dad and m have given up on me. if you need to, talk to p and
d, but please im suffering. making me stay here to do my treatment
just doesnt make sense. for me to be able to recover effectively at all i
need to be in an environment where there is at least the possibility that
i CAN be happy. that is not here. please mom, you wanted to bring me
back home before. i dont see why you cant bring me to a place like camp
recovery instead of making me stay in this place i hate, and making me go
through some sterile, rehab program the french have. id be very surprised
if they have anything like camp recovery. second reason is i need to do
this in english. im not comfortable talking about the issues that need to
be talked about as it is. much less in my second language. ill email
d first tho, cause they want me to talk to them about stuf flike
this. i need help, but this is not the place to get it. i feel like
youre punishing me. im trying to get help and i absolutely guarantee you
that it wont stick if i do it here. please answer me so i can know what
to say to p and d, as i will write them an email after i get your
response.

Before I brought him back, though, I had to understand what had happened. I naively believed he could get help in France, too. He wasn't exactly thrilled with my need to know.

i just dont understand why youre forcing me to do it here, in a country i
hate, where no one that wants anything to do with me lives, where i will
be wasting my time since i wont be getting credit for the classes im here
for since ill miss too much school, AND where i wont be gaining any sort
of cultural experience cause ill be locked up in some hospital's rehab
clinic. please explain to me why this is a better option than having me
come home, to a place im comfortable with and where people love and care
for me, just taking the smeester off, going to camp recovery which strikes
me as an infinitely more suitable place for a person like me to recover.
i mean come on, im finally taking the steps to help my addiciton problems
and instead of making it easier youre just putting up road blocks. PLEASE
explain to me why. thank you

So I wrote,

I am trying to help you.

But I don't know how without knowing the entire story, and without talking to all of the people involved.

You need to give me time to do what I need to do, to talk to at least P and D, etc.

It's fine if you want to talk to them yourself, but you are asking me to do much more than I am either capable of or can handle all alone.

I love you.

Tell me everything that happened.

Hopefully, I will hear from someone, soon.